30 Ways To Ask A Toddler To Leave You The Hell Alone 

1. Hey, I bet you can’t be quiet for ten whole minutes.

2. Oh, fuck off, doo doo, doo-doo-doo-doo.

3. Did you hear that? I think that’s your mom saying she’s going to buy you all the ice cream you can eat!

4. Let’s have a who-can-keep-quiet-longest contest.

5. I’m in time out, I can’t play.

6. BEGONE TOT.

7. My parents told me not to talk to strangers.

8. I have germs. You don’t want germs.

9. Hey little timmy, do you know what a horizon is? It’s were the sky meets the land in the distance. See if you can find the horizon now for me.

10. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

11. Buddy, you know how you have nap time? I have quiet time and I need to do it or my mommy’s gonna be mad!

12. Hey you see that guy over there? He is an elf for the North Pole

13. Is that the ice cream truck?

14. Wanna help me clean?

15. I think (parent) called you.

16. If you don’t leave me alone I’m going to tell ALL the monsters that live under your bed to shit directly into your mouth while you’re asleep.

17. Go play with your toys for awhile while we make you a younger sibling, ok sweetie?

18. Here’s your smart phone with all your youtube videos!

19. Would you like to taste this jalapeño?

20. Let’s play hide and seek! I’ll count and you go and hide.

21. Why not play sleeping Lions?

22. Go find your mom/dad.

23. Excuse me good sir/ma’am. Would you kindly consider leaving my general area?

24. OMG, Puppies!

25. Sorry I’m in the time out corner the teacher told me not to talk.

26. Big Bird is calling you.

27. Look! There’s a bug over there!

28. Go to X place to see if it’s raining.

29. Fuck off.

30. Hey buddy, I think I need some alone time. You mind playing by yourself for a while?