30 Words About 30 Men: My Dating Experience As A Millennial



1. Melodramatic cataclysmic 6-year-affair. Thought he saw tattoo above my ass, it was really temporary glitter. Pencil dick. Masturbated into black dress socks only. Wrote a screenplay about me.

2. Psoriasis-ridden. When he suggested sex a second time, I said “I’ll need at least a bottle of wine for this.” We bought two. Tried to sleep with my friend.

3. Seven hour trips to Rochester, sixteen hour snuggle session. Showed up at my house drunk, yelled “I DON’T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU, THAT’S THE PROBLEM.” Still texts every single day.

4. Met at student bar, fucked in an elevator (some girl walked in) and then on the floor in a kitchen. Turned out to be neighbor, excommunicated me from Korean community.

5. First boyfriend ever. Stayed with him for the ping-pong table, left him for his best friend. Mutually lost our virginity outside airport. Tried to bang him ten years later.

6. Piano teacher with girlfriend and children. Fucked on his officemate’s chair while 400 people were upstairs. Told me he wanted to eat my bloody hole. Mad discount on piano lessons.

7. Always wore Metallica shirts. Married with kids. Super tan and guido. I would pretend to take out the trash and let him feel me up against dumpster. Filthy RI accent.

8. British accented Chinese boy. Refused to give oral sex and really enjoyed having his left nipple licked. Once told me (in Chinese) during sex that my nose made him horny.

9. Met on Facebook. Has braces. Calls oral sex “licky licky.” Met again in hotel another friend paid for, mastered art of Leg Locking. Highest number of dick pics in my phone.

10. Okcupid Korean-looking Kazakh male ballerina. Hardly spoke English, enjoyed titty-fucking and got drunk on his birthday and tried to fist me. Loved Eurotrash music and crazy loud sex.

11. Sexy Taiwanese friend who enjoyed eating me out on the rag. Screamed “you rik-a dat shit” during sex. Texted me a week later to tell me he has chlamydia.

12. Japanese FB guy, flew me to Portland, loves tattoos and motorcycles. Didn’t talk to me except to have sex with me. Brought me to 5 strip clubs in 24 hours.

13. Korean EMT I never had interest in. Spilt a pitcher of beer on me, told me to just take him home. Left town next day. Hands down favorite sexin’ ever.

14. Married; found out via newspaper. Always made out on car hoods that weren’t ours. Elementary principal, tried to fuck on desk but saw precious note from child that killed boner.

15. Teacher at HS where I student-taught. Worst kisser. We both said “I like English!!” at the same time and made out. My student had a crush on him too.

16. Wild Colonial bartender who was also a lawyer. Looks like Stephen King. Hooked up outside the bar on AC Unit. Gives me free beers because he likes my Facebook statuses.

17. OkCupid, went up for drinks. Leered at me and screamed “Why you no make sex with me” while crying. Had to physically pick him up, doorman thought I was prostitute.

18. Beardy, cried on first date because I was “too good for him.” Accidentally broke his glasses trying to return atmosphere to sex. Attempted eight more times to get with me.

19. Friend’s older brother, met at a party. When caught giving him a blowjob, popped up and yelled “HEYYYYYYY” which became a running joke. Drunkenly admitted to the friend years later.

20. Hot Assistant manager at bank. Ended up banging year later at his condo, when he came he screamed “IT’S BEEN A YEAR.” Made me breakfast and blew off planned dates.

21. Cute customer I knew I would bone. Legitimately loves shitty music like Taylor Swift. Went for drinks, drove me home, said I was tired and he said “nah, just nah.”

22. Dumb, awkward Republican with huge dick, loved speaking in acronyms. Quoted Elvis Costello during sex, and I got up and left the room. Painting of his house above his bed.

23. Thick Boston accent, fro-y professional bassist. Drove a Range Rover. Always banged in his band’s practice room, once slipped and put it directly in my ass and then yelled “WOOOO!”

24. Brother of a friend (who was drunk at the time). Friend met my younger brother next day and while shaking hands said “your sister banged MY brother AND his friend.”



25. Nerdy half-Polish, half-Puerto Rican Brown undergrad who promptly told his parents he slept with me. Wrote me a shitty poem. Would refer to our encounters as “Matt days.”



26. Grad student, looked 24 but was actually 35. Big on high-fives. Was roommate of my employee, thought I had gotten away with it but left my shirt on floor. 



27. Drummer. Bought me sharpies, when we broke up he yelled, “At least something lasts six months with you!” Wouldn’t date someone who shared my birthday. Bright red hair. Matching eyelashes. 



28: Tattooed hipster with gay voice. In front of his sister: gave me ring-pop, said “this goes to the most important girl in my life!” and shoved tongue in my mouth.



29. Smelly artist who left me for girl he met online. Told an entire party that I was his ex-wife. Met Sleater-Kinney after sending me away to get him a Coke.



30. Korean post-doc that I was enamoured with. Terrible English, always gave me presents and cookies from his mother. Choked on sandwich and responded to helping gestures with “What is Heimlich?!”