31 Keys To Looking And Feeling Superior At A College Alumni Function
By Lance Pauker
1. Never be caught standing alone. This insinuates that you’re not important enough to be talked to.
2. Attend with someone who you know will get drunker than you. This makes you appear more professional and “with it,” while also insinuating that your friends have had trouble keeping up with your pristine life accomplishments.
3. The scenario above does not work when your compatriot is your significant other.
4. Dress at around the 95% mark. 95% means a small part of the shirt can be untucked, or your hair could be slightly faux-messy. This will give you a slight “edge”
5. Do NOT dress at anything greater than 100%, unless this is typically “your thing.” Nobody likes a tryhard.
6. Don’t text too much. This isn’t a friend of a friend’s boyfriend’s pregame.
7. If you do need to use your phone, call. End the conversation with “I’ll have the deliverables by Monday.”
8. Have good posture. Bad posture makes even the most impressive on business cards completely worthless.
9. Be VERY strategic with the business cards. Probably only need to hand out one or two, if that.
10. Get just the right amount of excited when the song that “totes defined senior year” comes on.
11. When you eye someone you awkwardly hooked up with sophomore year, make it a point to have a “that is very much old news” small chat. Squash the awkwardness when there’s no need for it to be there.
12. Always have a half-filled cocktail in hand. You’re having a good time, but not too good a time.
13. In terms of general alcohol consumption, best strategy is probably two drink Mike:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhaF8m5jtkA&w=584&h=390]
14. Find someone you know that you haven’t talked to in awhile, who you know is in a similar field. Strike up a 25 minute conversation about the nuances of your industry. Watch the conversation’s third party suffer mightily.
15. If you have traveled recently: PLAY THAT SHIT UP
16. If you’ve traveled for business recently: don’t play that shit up too much. It’s kind of like hooking up…getting too visibly excited connotes professional inexperience.
17. Pre-empt the inevitable “what critically acclaimed television show are you watching?” convo by making a well-timed reference to the show you are watching.
18. Know “the sparknotes” of the latest University news. It’s important to be informed of general ongoings, but knowing too much insinuates you haven’t moved on to the next stage of life.
19. Shave.
20. Don’t talk to people who are doing 2-3 rungs better than you. One rung is more than OK, and may help you bridge the gap.
21. Don’t be afraid to bring up knowledge you’ve learned from reading your social media feeds–i.e., someone announcing they’ve got a new job.
22. Just don’t bring up too much.
23. Really hone in on one particular news issue so you avoid the deathly gauntlet of being uninformed re: Syria and the like.
24. Don’t physically age as poorly as the other people you associated with in college.
25. If the event revolves around some sort of catered food line, do NOT be the first person/group to race towards the food.
26. At all costs, avoid revealing how you really feel about your job.
27. At all costs, avoid telling people that your true ambition is to become a singer.
28. Before talking shit about anyone on the premises, be sure to conduct a thorough, 360 degree sweep.
29. Qualify any sort of statement about your school’s star athlete by shaking your head in disbelief at the fact that he’s “X years younger than us!”
30. Be properly fascinated when your internet-heavy friend shows you a clip of the latest viral sensation. As an adult, you should strive to appear much less attached to the internet than you really are.
31. Maintain that 61% percent smile–while you’re treading water now, use general facial expressions to insinuate that if 2-3 things go wrong in your life, you’re instantly a lost cause.