32 Sarah Silverman Jokes That Prove Women Can Be Hilariously Crude


(Wikimedia Commons)


“I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.”


“When God gives you AIDS—and God does give you AIDS, by the way—make lemonAIDS.”


“People who call themselves divas…you are not a diva. I’m pretty sure you’re a cunt.”


“Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I’m one of the few people that believe it was the blacks.”


“I don’t care if you think I’m racist. I just want you to think I’m thin.”


“My sister was with two men in one night…she could hardly walk after that; can you imagine—two dinners!”


“I saw my father’s penis once. But it was okay, because I was soooo young…and sooo drunk.”


“I want to get an abortion. But my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving.”


“I’ve sued my manager for sexual harassment. And it’s real hard, and a big strain on me. Because he hasn’t done anything.”


“Strippers should be role models for little girls, if only for the fact that they wax their assholes.”


“And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I’d quit school he’d pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.”


“I’m so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.”


“Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.”


“I didn’t lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls “the real way.””


“People are always introducing me as “Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne.” I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am—I’m white!”


“I always think I should get on it if I want to have kids. Because once you hit thirty it can be difficult to conceive—it can be dangerous. The best time to conceive is when you’re a black teenager.”


“If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.”


“I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons…which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?”


“I don’t want to be labeled as gay or straight. I just want people to see me…as white.”


“Great news! If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!”


“Bill Cosby gave me one of those “don’t be dirty” lectures but I was unconscious & he was talking about my a-hole.”


“Have you seen Britney’s kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!”


“This song brings me back…I was brutally raped to this song.”


“Summer camp: the second worst camp for Jews.”


“A couple nights ago, I was licking jelly off my boyfriend’s penis. And I thought, “Oh my Go—I’m turning into my mother!””


“I dated a guy who was half-black, but he dumped me because I’m such a loser. Wow, I shouldn’t say things like that, I’m such a pessimist…he’s actually half-white.”


“If women could ejaculate, I would have exploded hot jizz all over my manager’s face. Instead, I hugged him.”


“If life is a meal, then diaries are the toilets in which we shit out its vile remnants.”


“I was raped by a doctor…which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.”


“The writers of Sanford and Son were so brave in bringing their program to television. I mean, working with all those black people!”


“On the law that requires women to wait twenty-four hours before they are permitted to have an abortion: I think it’s a good law. The other day I wanted to go get an abortion. I really wanted an abortion, but then I thought about it and it turned out I was just thirsty.”


“The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s…well, it wouldn’t have happened to Jews.”