37 Signs You Learned To Drive In Los Angeles


1. You have mastered the art of pulling up just close enough to the In-n-Out drive-thru window for maximum burger retrieval with minimal arm stretching.

2. You feel compelled to speed up and pass somebody when they turn on their turn signal.

3. Come to think of it, you never did get a handle on what a turn signal was.

4. You know how to calculate how long it will take you to arrive at any one destination in one of three modalities: with traffic, without traffic, and by taking surface streets.

5. You get hard-ons talking about gas mileage.

6. Going to the Valley is a last resort.

7. You fear the car-eating wasteland that is the Century City Shopping Center parking lot.

8. Your eyes glaze over whenever anyone mentions a “highway,” but you have a list of favorite and least favorite freeways. You take this list very seriously.

9. You know the best and worst times to attempt to find parking by your coffee shop, and know that missing that prime window is the difference between being on time and being 20 minutes late to work or school.

10. You know you’re not supposed to, but you know where and when traffic slows to such a debilitating crawl on the freeway that you can check your phone. (But seriously, don’t do this one. It’s not worth it.)

11. The 405 is the only alibi you’ll ever need as to why you’re late.

12. Josh: You want to practice parking?
Cher: What’s the point? Everywhere you go has valet.

13. You learned how to parallel park in front of a Coffee Bean.

14. You still fear Carmageddon.

15. Driving to Disneyland is something you keep saying you’ll do “some weekend.”

16. You will drive a block away from where you’re currently standing. Even if it means you have to re-park.

17. You have learned how to coordinate your drive home around sporting events.

18. You know public transportation is a wonderful thing, and you’ve even marveled at the slow adoption of it in Los Angeles, but you still… just… what?

19. The California Roll is a very real thing.

20. You understand, in theory, the way one-way streets work. When faced with a one-way street, however, you freeze.

21. Your first taste of adult freedom was driving up and down the Pacific Coast Highway with no end in sight.

22. There are life hacks to getting on and off freeways with your life and car intact. You swear by your favorite on and off-ramps.

23. The Bay Area driver is your mortal enemy.

24. You have a very specific playlist for each neighborhood you drive in. You tend to listen to a lot of Sublime when you’re in Venice Beach.

25. You always wonder why there aren’t more car crashes when the Christmas decorations go up in Beverly Hills.

26. What are bridges? What are bridge tolls?

27. Parking under a jacaranda tree is a death wish.

28. You have gotten your favorite valet attendant birthday presents.

29. You’ve blown out the bass in your car trying to drown out somebody else’s.

30. You know 102.7 KIISFM only plays 3 songs a day.

31. Your parents have offered to be designated driver more often than you’d like to admit.

32. You have gotten an after school job for gas prices alone.

33. You Instagram every receipt for gas that clocks in under $40.

34. Because really, GAS PRICES, THO.

35. You factor parking into how often you frequent any given restaurant.

36. In high school, the car somebody inherited when they received their license either enhanced or ruined their social status.

37. You swear you can make any given drive in “under 20 minutes.”