38 Things I Learned In College


1. If a girl doesn’t text back, don’t text back. You got your answer.

2. Taking all easy classes doesn’t mean you played the system, dude; it means you played yourself.

3. Old video games and a TV might be a time waster, but so is the internet. At least video games are social and public.

4. You will only remember the grades that made you proud, and the classes that made you sweat, the teachers that made you think, and the moments where you chose something. The rest is static.

5. Greek life is okay. People with strong unshakable opinions on it are not.

6. Forcing yourself to party is a dumb idea. You are more than your weekend, and lumbering around for alcohol and make-outs is sadder than it is cool.

7. College is long. Do not rap-battle everyone the first month.

8. Join the groups you said you would. Live up to your glowing application letter.

9. If you brag about hooking up with someone, what you’re telling the world is “I can’t believe it, either.”

10. Nothing is more attractive than confidence, not being a jerk, and being kind of awesome. You are in control of all those things.

11. If you’re worried about being cool, buddy, grow up.

12. It is very hard for someone to fight you if you don’t want to fight.

13. Good people are criminally under-rated. Find them and learn from them.

14. Bad campus food? Learn to cook. You can solve this problem yourself.

15. Good campus food? Learn to cook. Because you are not going to want to start from scratch post-graduation.

16. Bring beer when hosted and offer beer to guests. Everyone is going to respect you, and you will have guaranteed yourself beer.

17. Do not pre-game too hard. You will regret it. Bring something in a flask instead. The flask will pay for itself in two weeks, minimum.

18. Everything “classic” in college is over-rated, including: keg stands, streaking, toga parties. The best parts of college are the things you make yourself, like shirtless beer golf at night, or a chili cook-off.

19. Do not let anyone peer pressure you into drinking. They do not have your best interests at heart. Fake the drink and move on. It’s lame, but retching on the floor of a bathroom isn’t much cooler.

20. Pursuing someone attractive just because they’re attractive is going to be a bad, bad time.

21. If you’re dating someone who gives you a bad feeling, that’s called foreshadowing.

22. If you’re dating someone who complains about a crazy ex, consider the very real possibility that this person is awful and drove someone else crazy.

23. A good playlist is crucial to your life. But if you put “Big Poppa” on your sex playlist, they are going to leave.

24. Don’t let anyone razz your major. I’m an English major, and I write for a living. I make less money than a comp sci person, but I’d have been awful at it. Do what you do best, and do it the best you can. The rest will follow.

25. Do not sleep with someone because they’re in a band. Their band is awful.

26. As much as I hate to say it, the same goes for writers, too.

27. Sleep with the people you want to sleep with, not the people you want to want to sleep with.

28. Don’t get cocky opening your mouth, because there will be someone at the party who knows more than you about whatever you talk about.

29. Talking about how everyone else is a fool about something is a great way to show that you’re insufferable, right or wrong.

30. Let someone advise you on what to wear; not tell, but advise. You’ll learn something.

31. Don’t mess with serious drugs. If you don’t like them, bad experience. If you do like them, bad life.

32. If someone is good for you, keep them in your life. If they’re bad for you, don’t.

33. Invest in your own Netflix account. Everyone will want to be your friend, and it’s Netflix.

34. Do the things you think you should, such as road-trips. Do them, because it’s very easy to let them slip away.

35. Talking trash about an ex is a great way to say “don’t date me, because I’m mean-spirited and  will betray your trust.”

36. You can stay in your college city without guilt. Just not the same town.

37. Don’t listen to everything you read on the internet. Twenty-three year olds lecturing twenty-one year olds about what they did at nineteen isn’t exactly canonical.

38. Except for that Jungle Juice thing. That’s the last refuge of the desperate, amigo.