39 Things I (A Carefree Millennial) Am Completely Incapable Of Committing To

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1. Tattoos

2. Pets (Even the Chia Kind)

3. Religion

4. Cable companies

5. Cable companies that keep robbing me blind even just for internet #CordCuttersUnite #DoNotFuckingAskMeIfIWantALandLine

6. Television shows without a plot

7. Television shows with a year+ between seasons

8. Keeping up with the news

9. Keeping up with the fake news

10. Keeping up with the Kardashians

11. Deleting my emails

12. How many times Snoop Dog and P. Diddy have managed to change names

13. Are Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt back together because I’m Team Angelina at this point…

15. How many Oscar nominated films Timothée Chalamet is in this year

16. Washing dishes after I use them

17. Letting my friends keep my phone once I’ve handed it over to them because it’s a bad idea for me to have access to it intoxicated

18. Eating breakfast

19. Making breakfast

20. Responding to text messages, even from people I love or dislike slightly

21. Being on time to anything, even if I want to

22. Actually reading the book for book club within the allotted time frame and not just showing up to drink obscene amounts of wine and complain about life

23. Making plans that would not be socially acceptable to cancel at the last minute because I just felt like it

24. Bringing a lunch to work and actually eating it instead of buying something else from like Jimmy John’s which is just a sandwich I could have made myself

25. Only having one glass of wine at a family dinner

26. Only having one kind of drink (wine, beer, hard alcohol) during a night out

27. Using only one accent during an entire improv show

28. Dressing appropriately for the weather and not wearing the same button down dress shirt all year round

29. Taking off my make-up before I go to sleep

30. Reading one book at a time #Playa

31. A mortgage, of any kind

32. Fitness goals, of any kind

33. I’ve refilled the same prescription three times in the course of two months and not picked it up, even though I’ll barf on the streets of Chicago randomly without warning if I don’t shoot my Flonase, so there’s that…

34. Taking my laundry out of the washing machine and putting it into the dryer before a decent amount of time has passed where I don’t have to rewash clothes because they smell like mildew, or people get annoyed and put my clothes on top of the machine

35. Watering plants (I own a cactus so this is very serious)

36. Consuming an appropriate amount of water (also very serious)

37. Finishing milk/bread/eggs/any type of food that expires before the expiration date

38. Drinking an entire bottle of red wine in a week so it doesn’t go bad, or only drinking one bottle of wine by myself and not switching to something totally different and gross

39. Any type of relationship that is not genetic