4 Inarguable Pros Of Getting Shit-Faced

By Matthew Farris

It’s the end of January, and with the influx of New Years resolutions that people will write about and claim to be sticking to for approximately 8 weeks, I have read and seen too many articles floating around that detail the detriments of drinking. Fuck that. I’m going to play devil’s advocate here and talk about ALL of the benefits I have discovered while consuming copious amounts of the wild juice.

When I read the articles that talk about why you shouldn’t drink, I feel like the writer simply has their own underlying issues and can’t figure out how to balance getting shitfaced with living a normal life. It really is not that difficult to get ridiculously plastered a couple times a week or whatever and still be a productive member of society. Whatever, fuck those people. They probably have tolerance equivalent to that of a 13 year old girl, and I wouldn’t want to drink with them anyways. They’re probably the fucktards at the bar who take 15 minutes to decide what domestic beer to order (ANY! They’re all watered down cat piss!), while I’m impatiently waiting to order enough shots to get some random girl slutty drunk.

I digress, this article is about the benefits of alcohol consumption, not my hatred for it’s naysayers. Besides the fact that even Jesus himself was a fan of the booze (turning water into wine anyone?), I can think of numerous reasons why I should drink (and these apply to anyone who isn’t a pussy).

1. It turns something boring into something tolerable, something tolerable into something fun, and something fun into something off-the-fucking-wall awesome.

Think about how many times you’ve sat at the bar, with a buddy, and just had a few beers watching a less than ideal sporting event on the shitty TV in the corner. That would have sucked without the beer and been entirely intolerable. Now think about the times you waited it out because it was tolerable, and the night turned into a “one for the books” type of night. 99% of the time that would not have happened if there was no alcohol consumption. Either way, it’s a surefire method of starting some shenanigans if that’s what you’re looking to do.

2. It lowers sexual inhibition across the board, and makes hooking up with strangers much more likely.

I will never claim to understand them, but I will say that on a regular basis…I do pretty well with women. I have the type of personality that balances “nice guy” with “who the fuck does he think he is”. That being said, at least 3/4 of my random and exciting sexual exploits were a direct or indirect result of the alcohol consumed prior to. It made me more attractive, it made girls I wouldn’t normally stick it in look much more fuckable, and it kept the flirtatious banter going full force during the evening. Almost every time, without fail, I would have a few drinks and get into the zone. On those nights, I was the Michael Jordan of promiscuous sex. It’s one of the few legal things in the world that can get a uppity, pretentious type of broad to embrace her inner whore and fuck my brains out without knowing my last name (or remembering my first). If you’re a fan of completely filthy hookups with people you never intend to see again, Jack Daniels might be the best wingman you’ll find. Just watch out for whiskey dick.

3. It can increase creativity by eliminating the mental boundaries set by your own subconscious.

I think the best example of this would be the works of Ernest Hemingway. Such a great name in literature, always wrote with the influence of God’s nectar. Hunter S. Thompson is another individual that embraced the creative juice (among other substances). There are countless examples in history, and the literary world alone, that demonstrate the effect alcohol can have on a mind that needs to create. I have written my best songs while having a few, as it allowed me to freely tap into all emotion. Even what I would normally keep to myself, I have put it out there and the end result had an incredible artistic vulnerability that was largely due to the booze. Granted, this point doesn’t encompass as much of the population as the above do…but if you ever thought about writing or creating art for yourself and couldn’t find the motivation or inspiration…have a few first.

4. Oh yea, and pizza tastes incredible while drunk.

That should be reason enough alone.

1. It turns something boring into something tolerable, something tolerable into something fun, and something fun into something off-the-­fucking-wall awesome.

2. It lowers sexual inhibition across the board, and makes hooking up with strangers much more likely.

3. It can increase creativity by eliminating the mental boundaries set by your own subconscious.

4. Oh yea, and pizza tastes incredible while drunk.

1. It turns something boring into something tolerable, something tolerable into something fun, and something fun into something off-the-fucking-wall awesome.