4 Warning Signs That She’s About To Dump You

If you’re a reasonable guy and she’s getting bored, but she feels a little guilty breaking up with you without a solid reason, she might try to get you to overreact or initiate that conversation yourself so she’s not the bad guy — at least that’s what my ex did — with the following tactics.

1. Her phone starts dying more often.

If you’re always the last word on every text message, even when you’re asking a question, she’s hoping you’ll notice the pattern. When you do bring this up, she’ll tell you that her phone was dead all those times or that she was busy, which makes you seem insecure even though you were the one standing on the curb at the fucking airport waiting for her to pick you up like she said she would, and now somehow you’re ‘needy’ for expecting she wouldn’t forget.

2. She’s always tired.

If she gets tired on all the nights except for girls’ night, and when you want to bring her to meet up with your friends she says, “I’m too tired, I’m sorry I must be so boring, you can stay and watch Netflix with me if you want to cuddle?” she’s intentionally putting you in a catch-22; if you decide to go out with your friends, she’ll act like she doesn’t care, but when you get home from a couple beers and she’s wide awake Skyping with Jessica, she’ll take this opportunity to tell you that you ‘drink too much’ and ‘stopped working out,’ and turn her laptop around so Jessica can chime in with her two cents, begging you to overreact.

3. She doesn’t laugh anymore.

Nothing you say is funny anymore, and all your jokes are offensive, especially the one about her possibly having amnesia after you forgave her for not picking you up from the airport. How could you forget that her great aunt had amnesia? She told you that months ago, but now you were probably drunk again and not listening to her because only a heartless douchebag would dare forget her having said that in passing, and no, it’s not funny that you forgot a story about amnesia.

4. She hates your compliments.

Every compliment is now unintentionally backhanded, and they all make her feel worse and more disgusted. Like when you got back from dinner with your parents and she took off her dress and put on a t-shirt and you said, “You look so cute in baggy t-shirts.”

She stopped removing her mascara and turned toward you like you just said she was fat, “Are you kidding me? I take two hours to get ready for dinner with your parents so I can look ‘pretty’ for them, which I do so they think their son has one shred of his life moving in a positive direction, but I didn’t hear you say shit then. Nooooo, but now, now I look cute wearing this?”

You scratched your head and tried to think of something to say. “I thought you looked cute earlier, too.”

She threw the cotton ball in the corner of the bathroom and started collecting her things. “I’m seriously not going to sit here and listen to how fucking pathetic you are, it’s embarrassing. You should be embarrassed.”

“Whoa, wait, where is this coming from? Are you seriously leaving?”

She grabbed her pillow and keys, “Yeah, sorry. I don’t feel like having sex in the same seven-minute, three-position routine tonight, and this t-shirt is my ex-boyfriend’s, I’m so glad you like it. BYE.”

If you time it perfectly, you can crack open the beer right as the door slams.