40 Alternate Dexter Endings That Are (Considerably) Better Than The Original

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SPOILERS.

When Dexter became my favorite show, I first attributed it to my academic interest in the pop culture obsession with vigilantes. Batman is my favorite superhero, and Dexter, as I have written extensively on before, is essentially all of Batman’s characteristics taken to the next level of sociopath. But as the seasons went on, Dexter came into his own right in the history of great, terrifying vigilantes. The writing on the show was genius, and Michael C. Hall didn’t just play Dexter; he WAS Dexter.

From the opening music to the lulling voice-overs, I couldn’t get enough. That was until the writers at Showtime decided to take the most tragic of snoozes and let someone hijack the last few seasons. For as much as I LOVED that show, I equally hated its sloppy, poorly executed and hardly thought out ending. It was dreadful and disappointing. It was the worst ending of any show. At least the Sopranos left viewers with some mystery. Dexter’s writers just let the show bleed out, and frankly, I’m still pissed about it. It was my FAVORITE show, and it deserved better treatment and attention. Here are all the endings I would have rather seen other than Dexter becoming a LUMBERJACK after dropping Deb’s dead body in the ocean and letting Hannah run off to Argentina with Harrison.

1. Dexter actually going to Argentina and living with Hannah and Harrison after Deb died (without his help). The show spent SO much time (albeit very slowly) developing Dexter into a caring father. I will never understand how they rationalized Dexter leaving Harrison. He would never have done that.

2. Dexter taking Harrison to Argentina by himself and telling Hannah to stay away from them because SHE was a psychopath.

3. Dexter going to prison for the rest of his life and Harrison being raised by Batista and Masuka and eventually coming to terms with who his father was.

4. Dexter running away to Florence with Harrison and grinning at Alfred over gelato. Oh wait…

5. Dexter becoming a mad scientist and figuring out how to bring Deb back to life.

6. Dexter actually dying on his boat in the storm.

7. Dexter becoming Godzilla.

8. Dexter bringing Harrison with him to Oregon to become a tiny lumberjack.

9. Dexter STAYING in Miami and going along with the self-defense argument that Angel and Quinn both agreed on and remaining in Miami to raise Harrison. Maybe or maybe not continuing to off evil people.

10. Dexter doing the above and possibly teaching Harrison Harry’s Code.

11. Dexter dying in the storm but then coming back as his own version of Harry’s ghost to help Harrison as Hannah taught him the Code.

12. Dexter meeting Hannah and Harrison in Argentina and then turning Hannah in to the authorities.

13. Dexter meeting Hannah and Harrison in Argentina and forming a mariachi band.

14. Dexter becoming a merman after driving his boat into the storm.

15. Dexter literally ending mid-episode and not leaving us with that idiotic ending.

16. Dexter finding a time/space portal through which he takes Harrison and ends up in Winterfell and joins the cast of Game of Thrones?

17. Dexter turning himself in as the Bay Harbor Butcher and then writing a musical about his life, which Harrison goes on to star in.

18. Dexter takes Harrison to New York City where he starts dating Hannah Horvath.

19. Dexter suddenly gets really athletic, joins the NFL and then no one cares when he’s revealed to be the Bay Harbor Butcher.

20. Dexter takes Harrison and enlists in Star Fleet.

21. Deb and Rita come back as zombies and eat Dexter and Harrison.

22. Dexter confesses and they film a documentary on his methods, which then wins an Oscar.

23. Dexter starts rapping and goes on tour with Mos Def.

24. Dexter kills everyone and he and Harrison are literally the last people on Earth.

25. Harrison grows up in Argentina with Hannah, who dies somehow. Harrison then goes off hiking into the Oregon wilderness to find his father that he has no memory of. He hitchhikes and has Adamantium claws.

26. Dexter becoming a werewolf and eating Harrison.

27. Dexter moving to the Midwest with Harrison and letting Harrison become part of a Glee club (YEAH, I SAID IT).

28. Bruce Willis rescuing Dexter from his boat in the storm, yelling Yippee Kiyay, motherfuckers.

29. Dexter jumps in to save Deb from the ocean and realizes he just baptized her. He then goes on to become a televangelist.

30. Dexter realizes that his evil ways are attributed to his red hair. He dyes his hair blonde like Harrison and then never kills again (boo).

31. Dexter becomes a fitness guru and releases a series of workout DVDs and competes against various celeb fitness trainers on TV.

32. Dexter hits his head on the boat in the storm and gets amnesia. He forgets everything about killing people and raises Harrison in a normal, safe environment (boo).

33. Harrison reveals that he is actually a Lego-building prodigy and goes on to win competitions in Las Vegas. Dexter becomes a mom-ager.

34. Harrison gets abducted by drug dealers in Argentina, so Dexter comes out of hiding. He rescues his son by posing as a drug lord, and thereafter begins producing blue meth.

35. Dexter teams up with John Hammond and opens Jurassic Park on an island off the coast of Florida. He no longer needs M99, but sends out very special invites to folks for certain “power-outage” weekends.

36. Michael C. Hall says “fuck it,” throws up his hands, and spends the rest of the 50+ minutes of the Dexter finale playing a mean game of Battleship in real time with the child actor who plays Harrison.

37. The cast of Dexter spends however many hours it takes to tally up how many times Deb cursed over the span of 8 seasons.

38. The cast of Dexter spends the last episode throwing eggs at the writers of the last episode.

39. Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart read the last episode’s script as their characters from either “Waiting for Godot” or XMEN, whichever.

40. Dexter and Angel start a show on Food Network called ‘Killer Cuisine.’

Honestly, I could go on forever. Why construct a great story just to end it with logging in a flannel shirt? I will never understand, but as someone in the Twitterverse so eloquently put it after the show’s finale, “The Dexter finale made me want to murder people. Was that the point? To make us all murderers?” Seems like the only logical answer.