40-Item Summertime Preparation Checklist


1. The Heat.

2. Another professional basketball team to play The Heat. Why keep something around all summer if you’re not going to USE it? I recommend one of the newer franchises, the true unsung heroes of the NBA like The Schenectady Carparts, The San Francisco Treats, or The Brooklyn Beards.

3. The Sun.

4. Sun-In, or as many like to call it “Not Nature’s Lemon Juice.”

5. Completion of the 6-week correspondence course called “Master the Murmur: You Too Can Do the Voiceover for a Country Time Lemonade commercial”.

7. Unavoidable invitations to outdoor concerts heat stroke opportunities.

8. Jorts.

9. Extra Jorts.

10. Backup Jorts.

11. Emergency Jorts.

12. Jeans and a pair of scissors.

13. A fresh glass of iced tea.

14. A fresh break-up.

15. A Fresh Prince of Bel Air-inspired catchphrase to impress people at BBQs. Try “Tanto jump on it.”

16. A crush.

17. The fling you have with the person who slightly resembles your crush.

18. Orange Crush. The drink, not the song by REM, but also “What’s the Frequency Kenneth?” if you HAVE to have a song by REM.  But you should probably get over REM. This is why your crush is not interested in you—learn some new bands!

20. A swimsuit from a catalog.

21. A swimsuit from Thought Catalog (It’s actually just a list of swimsuits.)

22. Tanlines.

23. Tanlines, the band.

24. Tan lines spray-painted onto the cement to demarcate your area of the poolside from anyone who is even THINKING about playing a game of chicken in the pool.  There is no hope for these people. Cut them out of your lives and don’t look back.

25. Visit your doctor for a Summertime Sadness immunization.

26. A beach towel with a notarized statement attached to it certifying that it is, in fact, your beach towel.

27. A heavy-duty lock for your beach towel because beach towel thieves are unreasonable and do not comply with written statements, regardless of notary seals.

28. Sunglasses that have been face-shape verified as the correct style for your face shape. Do not underestimate the power of face shapes. They are literally the fifth most important shape after squares, quadrangles, Pentagons, and love triangles.

29. Some summer lovin’ from a summer lover that aligns well with the choreography in the musical number that you will use to explain it to your friends next fall.

30. Anything that is touted as being “with Lime.” This is including, but not limited to: Bud Light, Tostitos, Sunscreen, Coke, Cocaine, and/or bags of limes.

31. A boat to stand on while holding a fish.

32. A cabana.

33. A licensed and bonded professional cabana decorator. Don’t get someone off of Craigslist they will just cut corners, and cabanas are circular, so at that point it’s like they’re TRYING to do a shitty job.

34. Cabana insurance.

35. Plenty of Aloe Vera for when you’re burned by the sun or a sparkler or a friend who steals your crush while you’re busy worrying about your cabana.

36. Tiny umbrella for drinks, or if anyone gets shrunk by a beach wizard.

37. The new Summer-only Instagram filters: Vegan Hot Dog, 1980s, or Buttsweat.

38. Wet Hot Anti-American Summer, the funnier, more communist sequel.

39. Tons of tropical-flavored stuff like ice pops, juice boxes, gum, lube, antidepressants, and cigarettes.

40. A great air conditioner or, in a pinch, a great hair conditioner.  For years, insane people have been coating their bodies in hair conditioner to save on electricity during the summer.

*41. Another pair of jorts.

Join the Patrón Social Club to get invited to cool private parties in your area, and the chance to win a four-person trip to a mystery city for an an exclusive Patrón summer party.

image – Kate Renkes