40 Ways To Tell If You’re A Brat


Qualifications for this analysis: I am a brat.

1. You buy those Cokes with names on them.
2. Your cardigans are color-coordinated to the seasons.
3. You live in Jersey.
4. You chose to live in Jersey.
5. You’re from Jersey.
6. Jersey.
7. You use the phrase “the establishment” regularly.
8. You still wear your Obama ’08 shirt.
9. Pinterest is your shit.
10. Your class anxiety starts to show when you write essays on the Third World.
11. You spent your college summers volunteering instead of working.
12. “Check your privilege” has exited your mouth.
13. You think neuroticism makes you cute and interesting (it doesn’t).
14. You’ve read Meghan McCain’s blog.
15. Meghan McCain’s blog is open on another tab right now.
16. Margaritas are your faaaaaaave.
17. You seriously considered disappearing after college to go spelunking.
18. Your Google search history contains “nose jobs gone wrong pics.”
19. Vodka sodas are a thing in your mind (they’re not).
20. You have a rock-salt lamp.
21. You still watch Glee.
22. You don’t own waterproof shoes (Sperry’s do NOT count.)
23. You play Sudoku recreationally.
24. “Eyebrows on fleek” is something you say when you’re trying to be funny.
25. You lost your iPhone trying to take a selfie on a roller coaster.
26. You willingly eat oatmeal raisin cookies.
27. You consider cartilage piercings to be “edgy.”
28. You are or ever were a vegan, vegetarian, or gluten-free-by-choice.
29. “Omg, Patagonia makes the comfiest jackets!!!”
30. Performance wear is a lifestyle.
31. You still use Internet Explorer (or, God in Heaven, Mozilla Firefox).
32. “Whiskey? Ew.”
33. Origami is your shit.
34. Kegels are fun to you.
35. You know what kegels are.
36. Sunsets are Insta-worthy phenomena.
37. You peruse the Feminist Lit section of bookstores for the sole purpose of being seen perusing the Feminist Lit section.
38. You smoked Marlboros for a brief period (the same period in which you were cutting your own bangs and dating Biomedical Science majors).
39. Your watch is purely for aesthetic purposes; it may not even work.
40. You write listicles and put them on Thought Catalog.