42 Generic White Guy Names And What They Are Like As Exes


1. Josh: Occasionally texts you to say things like ‘Remember when we actually hung out? Ha.’

2. Ryan: Asks every holiday whether or not you’ll be in town.

3. Matt: Went to a college you’ve never heard of and now posts obscure political opinions online.

4. John: Got married to the next girl he dated. The wedding was cheesy. You liked it.

5. Chris: Seems largely indifferent to the fact that you were ever together, checks in randomly as though you’re casual acquaintances.

6. Spencer: Posts photos with every girl he goes on two dates, seems like he’s trying to make a point.

7. Adam: Occasionally subtweets you, otherwise spams his social media accounts with the hope that his revenge career will finally take off. (It doesn’t.)

8. Nate: Probably still listening to vinyl. You occasionally favorite some like-minded tweets, otherwise, he leaves you alone.

9. Jared: Went to a liberal arts school, has at least one profile picture of himself and two of his friends standing on a boat topless wearing sunglasses and holding a PBR.

10. Michael: Very into memes.

11. Mike: Somehow still in your hometown, somehow still at the same job, somehow still drinking in the woods.

12. Danny: Has a child, though you still have a vivid recollection of the time in which he eagerly referred to himself as a “fuck boy.”

13. Alex: Has one of those apps that puts iPhone photos into polaroid frames. Posts those religiously.

14. Zach: Was once a collegiate athlete. Makes sure everyone he comes into contact with knows this fact.

15. Jim: Is now an accountant, and that’s pretty much sums up his personality.

16. Patrick: Still likes all of your posts.

17. Nick: Seems to be almost disconcertingly the exact same person as when you knew him.

18. Kyle: Went to a liberal arts school, majored in something like Communications, not sure what happened after that.

19. Peter: Was very into John Green during his heyday, rejects mainstream culture and hipster culture, somehow all at the same time.

20. Andrew: Traveled after college. Makes sure everyone he comes into contact with knows this fact.

21. Joe: Still very into drinking beer, may or may not have a wife that he refers to as “the wifey” on a regular basis.

22. Trevor: Posts articles debunking bitcoin, is trying to get you to join his new gym.

23. Jeff: Seems like he’d take you back in a heartbeat despite also seeming pretty happily dating someone new (?)

24. Brian: Writes posts about productivity on Medium.

25. Jake: Calls himself an “influencer” in a non-ironic manner.

26. Bobby: Undoubtedly peaked when he was 22. Very into fantasy football.

27. Drew: Dating someone just slightly out of his league. Still seems to have pretty good taste in music.

28. Mark: Already sends family holiday cards. Somehow, your mom got one.

29. Marc: Went to Miami once, said it was a “life-changing experience.”

30. Chad: Has a beard and an insatiable desire to correct everyone making any point about anything.

31. Matthew: Works for a “startup” and when it comes to the details of his position? You probably wouldn’t understand.

32. Stephen: Is a realtor.

33. Steve: Still skateboards on the weekends.

34. Sam: Thinks singing to a girl on the first date is romantic, you know this because it was filmed at some point, and got about 5K views on YouTube before he declared himself a “viral sensation.”

35. Kevin: Still makes dad jokes.

36. Jack: Voted for Trump.

37. Logan: Still painfully extroverted, seemed way too happy to see you that one time you ran into each other at the grocery store.

38. Brett: Runs a recreational adult hockey league in his spare time.

39. Hunter: Owns at least one suit from Brooks Brothers.

40. Colin: Some kind of artist in Brooklyn, any other details about his life remain under a consistent, obscure haze.

41. CJ: Just wants to “enjoy life” while he’s young.

42. David: Texts ‘u up?’ at 1:15 AM.