44 Ways To Access Your Nearest Polling Place


44. Walk to the polls.

43. Bike to the polls.

42. Drive to the polls.

41. Wake up by engaging in weird neck movements on some beach somewhere, proceed to walk through a torrent of floating white stuff, and ride the Gangnam Style horse to the polls.

40. Take a bus to the polls.

39. Segway to the polls.

38. Moonwalk to the polls.

37. Go ‘head and boogie to the polls.

36. Ride inside a kangaroo’s pouch to the polls.

35. Skateboard while holding onto the back of someone’s truck to the polls.

34. Zorb to the polls.

33. Write a letter to the polls.

32. Pick out maps from that outdoor outfitters store that’s very enthusiastic about the colors green and tan, and canoe to the polls.

31. Wearing only tighty whities, white socks, a dress shirt, and sunglasses, dramatically slide to the polls.

30. Grudgingly cartwheel to the polls.

29. Claim you are incapable of doing only one thing at a time, and must bring your iPad into the booth in order to stream and watch Homeland while voting at the polls.

28. Using only the Stars, the Moon, and some old-timey Shackleton-type explorers’ equipment, through treacherous waters and uncharted ice flows, sail to the polls.

27. Teleport to the polls.

26. Beat up the beat to the polls.

25. Join a Mamma Mia!-type community-wide spontaneous sing-along all the way to the polls.

24. Allow Dick Cheney to shoot you in the face to the polls.

23. After hearing your handsome, well-connected friend say that he’s biking to the polls, Zuckerberg him and trike to the polls first.

22. Follow Apple Maps directions to the polls, and then swim to the actual polls.

21. Bring a notebook, a magnifying glass, and a discerning eye in order to write a Yelp review of the swamp hovercraft ride to polls.

20. Casually notice the performance of that young dude acrobat squadron while riding the train to the polls.

19. As a galloping boulder bears down on you, sprint through an Ancient Peruvian temple to the polls, only to surrender the idol to Belloq.

18. Always one for modesty, simply dig a tunnel to the polls.

17. While thrashing to noise metal, parkour to the polls.

16. Make sure your shorts are on tight and ride a zip line into Justin’s pool, who lives pretty near the polls.

15. Use the self-checkout aisle of CVS in order to avoid the cashier who always for some reason sees you buying condoms and Twizzlers at the same time, before getting inside a monkey costume and freeballing it to the polls.

14. Hold hands with your lover to the polls.

13. Scoot on a wheely chair with the one wheel that you’re like, what? really? to the polls.

12. As part of the 47%, simply wait for the government to forklift you off your crumb-covered sofa and transport you in a wheelbarrow to the polls.

11. While wearing Roller Blades, light a fart on fire and hope it’s like jet propulsion to the polls.

10. Listen to “Re: Stacks” by Bon Iver on repeat until you get so sad you have to go outside and see the Sun, at which point you’re basically already at the polls.

9. Do CrossFit silently and alone until you max out at the polls.

8. Go on a first OkCupid date with Miss_Dynamite to that coffee shop at the polls.

7. Record a much-delayed but much-anticipated cover of “Call Me Maybe” and post it to YouTube on the way to the polls.

6. Three-legged race with someone you’ve never met before, against the people at this picnic who are taking this whole thing a little too seriously, to the polls.

5. Bitter and annoyed, reveal to the whole world that you are the one who posts all the mean things on Internet message boards while scuba-diving to the polls.

4. After encountering a troll beneath your customary byway, call in the goon squad to hang glide you to the polls.

3. Hit up the LAZER-QUEST out past Route 9 for a quick game against some seventh grade dorks before allowing Len’s “Steal My Sunshine” to simply head-bob you to the polls.

2. Say, “I will always love you. I will never let go,” and then float away on a piece of the shipwrecked Titanic to the polls.

1. Doesn’t matter. Just get your booty to the polls and shake what your motherland gave you.

Seriously though, here are registration and voting instructions for all 50 states.

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