45 Actionable Advice I Really Think You Need To Hear Regarding Your Performance At Your Office


Listen, I know you’re not doing too well at the office — try these to improve how people view you. Make sure you follow this every day.

1. Eat really messy foods (Hello, short ribs) at your desk and not use wet-naps.

2. Shake your boss’ hand, but do that thing where you tickle the palm with your finger.

3. Use your coworker’s cup and drink some carbonated sugary beverage and forget to clean it out.

4. Leave food trays at your desk.

5. Put your headphones on, turn up the volume real loud and sing Macklemore really loud.

6. Stare at the person to your right.

7. Talk about how you really have to go to the bathroom, but you can’t because you’re really swamped with work.

8. Message your coworkers individually and make up rumors about each one.

9. When someone asks you a question, respond with a sincerely bitter attitude.

10. Forget your headphones and “borrow” your coworker’s without asking.

11. When you’re confronted by your coworkers, lie to their face.

12. Make sure your hands are always wet, just in case you have to handle paperwork or shake hands.

13. Wear squeaky sneakers and be sure to walk everywhere in the office.

14. Tap your feet to let everyone know you have really expensive shoes on.

15. Make paper airplanes and throw them around the office with really nice things written in it. For example: “Tori, I so totally want to bang you. XOXO”

16. Put your elbow on the water cooler and say this as smoothly as possible to your colleagues who are eagerly anticipating your wisdom: “Sexual harassment is not in my vocabulary.”

17. Make some passive-aggressive comment about your workload when someone walks by.

18. Complain constantly to your neighbor about how little you are paid for all the work you do and that you deserve a raise.

19. Don’t clean up after yourself in the kitchen.

20. Leave the coffeepot empty and make sure it’s on.

21. Set the screensaver to your computer to something really cool, like avalanches or gunfights or pornstars. Pornstars give you office cred, right?

22. Snap your gum constantly.

23. If you know a secret about your coworker, expose them. After all, secrets aren’t secrets if you know them.

24. Carefully, but forcefully demand to know your coworkers’ religious beliefs.

25. Tweet about how long your day is — using your company’s Twitter.

26. Loudly talk about quitting every time you enter the office in the morning, but never do it.

27. Pick at your teeth.

28. Whistle that song you just heard this morning — do it over and over again.

29. Microwave fish in the kitchen.

30. Put up questionable flyers on the bulletin board — group trips to strip clubs, “freelance jobs regarding massages.”

31. Proclaim that you are going to “destroy the toilet”.

32. Make the same joke every day.

33. Send non work-related emails to your colleagues. Do it multiple times in a day.

34. Make sure you remember to attach that 100mb files on Outlook!

35. Ask people who are leaving the office where they’re going. Don’t let them go without telling you. It’s important.

36. Take note of how many times people use the bathroom and make a bar graph out of it.

37. Really talk about your relationship to your boss, like, really talk about it. Heart-to-heart never hurt anyone.

38. “Forget” to flush the toilet.

39. Make sure everyone understands how much you hate Valentine’s Day by making loud discomforting noises when people receive flowers from their significant other.

40. Birthdays are your favorite, because you get to surprise people.

41. Talk about how much you can lift, but not lift a finger when it’s your turn to take the trash out.

42. Everyone is wrong — except you, so make sure you follow your own gut.

43. “Crush” your presentation with that sweet-ass dance move you learned at the nightclub on Bowery and Delancy.

44. Leave Facebook on — make sure you have tabs open to each of your coworker’s Facebook.

45. Explain to people you want to make friends, when they ask you why you’re such a prick.

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