45 Reasons America Is The Greatest Country In The History Of Planet Earth


1. Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day.

2. Popeye’s fried chicken with all the sides.

3. The fact that Courtney Stodden and Dakota Fanning are the same age.

4. The Founding Fathers, who were essentially the 18th century equivalent of a bunch of Jeff Goldblums.

5. Titties.

6. Barbecue pork ribs.

7. The Wire, Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Arrested Development, and all the other television programming that reminds us how superior our entertainment is.

8. The Amish, and their delicious, horse-drawn food. (If any of you have ever lived near an Amish Market, you know the bearded joy of their pretzel twists.)

9. Hot Dogs — and not the bullsh-t merguez and wiener schnitzel and other actual sausages with discernible origins — I mean good old fashioned American hot dogs made out of raccoons, spare tires, and freedom.

10. Deli sandwiches stacked so high as to resemble Bibles made of meat.

11. ESPN having at least 18 channels to choose from at any given time.

12. The fact that we gave Ryan Gosling his big break.

13. Basically every other country’s diplomats just pretend to be interested in trading with us so they can hang out with our unbelievably chill president.

14. Jack Bauer.

15. Bruce Springsteen.

16. Gourmet food trucks that utilize cutting-edge phone technology to let you know when they’re in your neighborhood.

17. We invented Facebook, Apple, Twitter, and technically Myspace (although we’re currently in the process of expunging that from public records).

18. Johnny Depp dumped Vanessa Paradis. You can’t have him, France, you’re not good enough for him.

19. Toaster Strudels.

20. Bald Eagles, also known as the most majestic animal since the dinosaur.

21. We created Kim Kardashian, and thus are the only ones capable of destroying her.

22. We beat the Soviets at hockey in ’80, and they’re still butthurt about it.

23. We’re too good to care about soccer.

24. The Kennedys.

25. Michael Phelps.

26. When you pull apart the two halves of your grilled cheese, and it’s all melty and perfect, Kraft-style, and you’re just like aww yissss.

27. Wu-Tang Clan.

28. You can essentially come out of nowhere and end up being Bill Gates or Lady Gaga, depending on your skill set.

29. Sesame Street. Elmo, man, Elmo.

30. Chili cook-offs, which we should all be so lucky as to judge one day.

31. Paula Deen and Butter, America’s OTP.

32. Calvin Klein ads that know what the people want and just give us gorgeous, ripped men in tighty whities.

33. Giada de Laurentiis’ cleavage hovering daintily over her myriad pasta dishes.

34. Scott Disick’s wardrobe.

35. James Deen.

36. New York of Flavor of Love fame, also known as history’s most prominent HBIC.

37. Unlimited Bloody Mary bars at brunch.

38. Channing Tatum actually being a stripper, and then us giving him an entire film in which to show us about his life when he was a stripper, in case we missed it the first time.

39. The Dark Knight trilogy.

40. Reluctantly enjoying Lana Del Rey’s music and then feeling mildly dirty afterwards.

41. Kool Aid with tons of sugar in it, not the stuff that some of your “healthier” friends’ parents made that tasted like water with batteries in it.

42. Watermelon, and spitting the seeds into the lawn.

43. The perfect burger with three strips of bacon, crisp lettuce, ripe tomato, and all of your favorite condiments, directly from the grill.

44. Pink lemonade.

45. Wearing cutoff jean shorts, holding sparklers, and celebrating with your friends today like some kind of busted Ralph Lauren ad.

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