5 Coffee Orders & What Your Barista Really Thinks Of Them

Most of these orders deal with people and their milk issues, but there’s always one persistent, middle-aged woman asking for Stevia. Also, whatever happened to enjoying drip coffee? At the end of the day, I’m going to give you what you need, not what you THINK you want, cause barista privilege.

1. Skinny Vanilla Latte, No Sugar Free Syrups, just Nonfat Milk

What are you playin’ at girl? Either you’re all in with the pseudo-healthy drink order or bust. You like the idea of saying “skinny” as if that word will literally trim inches off your waist, yet agreeing to the phrase “sugar-free” is like agreeing to let the lady next to you try on the shoes you’re eyeing on the DSW clearance rack. Not going to happen. Add the whip cream too, you clueless one, you. Calories, come aboard the “I’m dieting but really have no idea what a BMI is” express!

2. Do you guys do red eye here?

Let me tell you, I have so many requests for oddball drinks. I’m up for a challenge, but when it is a matter of ordering wrong simply because you refuse to become familiar with the menu, despite being a regular customer- I’m annoyed. Do you see the phrase “red eye?” No? Then order a coffee with an extra shot. You’re asking for the same thing. Same goes for you, “frappe” order-er. I do believe the menu has said, “BLENDED ESPRESSO DRINKS” since the beginning of time, as we do not want a lawsuit with the infamous Starbuxx or McCoffee. Stop making my life difficult and start reading the menu before you order.

3. Blended Breve Latte, Extra Whip

Oh, so you’re upset with me because your total is not the same as last week? I’m sorry the barista on shift the week prior doesn’t see the need to price drinks accurately, but unfortunately for you, this barista does. Price consistency is a big deal, but let me point out that I’m making your drink with half & half, which is an up charge from our standard milk options, like whole or nonfat. You get what you pay for. You want extra, you will be giving our cash register extra cash.

4. Americano, add Sugar Free English Toffee, with a LITTLE Skim Milk

When a customer emphasizes “a little,” I’m adding a very small amount of milk in that coffee. Blink and you might miss it. We’re talking a drop or two. If “a little” to you means 1/3 of the cup, go ahead and say, “fill to 1/3 of the cup.” Don’t make me re-pour three separate times for us to get it right. Or by all means offer to pour it yourself if you’re going to be particular. But, never fear, for I will start over as many times as need be. I want you to enjoy the drink of your dreams, and I want the wasted drink for myself as I’m getting off shift in less than 10 minutes. Unlike you, I like my espresso fast and my skim milk serving down low.

5. Coffee/Latte/Cappuccino sweetened with Stevia

…………………………… Just like yesterday, and the week before, we do not carry Stevia. Not even sure what it is. Cocaine? Hipster sugar? Pixie Dust? We have six other types of sweetener and honey to use at your leisure. BYOS.