5 Crazy Exes Who Are Worse Than Yours

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Screw ghosts and vampires, you know what’s truly scary? Bad breakups and psycho exes. Dealing with exes is rarely fun…unless, you know, you’re both mature about the situation and treat each other with mutual respect. But who does that, right? Relationships crumble for a multitude of reasons, like mutual disinterest or growing apart or distance. No matter what your current situation with your ex is, though, be thankful that they’re not one of the five people listed below. And if they are, then God help you…

Brenda Schumann

Schumann is a 51 year old Florida resident walked in on her husband and another woman having sex in her house.

What she should have done: Left her husband. Post a scathing Facebook status revealing him to be a scrub. Perhaps seek out marriage counseling if she felt the marriage was worth saving.

What she did do: Take a dump on the floor. Seriously, she dropped her panties, popped a squat, and squeezed one out on the spot.

Schumann told police ”I found him in bed with a naked chick what was I supposed to do?” Like true, girl. She allegedly also found a rifle and trampled around the house destroying everything from Christmas decorations to picture frames. Schumann was later charged with aggravated assault/domestic violence, aggravated assault, battery and resisting arrest without violence.

Schumann makes a bold statement against the patriarchy, proving that if women have to deal with men’s shit, men should deal with theirs.

Daytona Johnson

This Phoenix woman lives with her children and the two fathers (both her exes) at the same time. Johnson got into a fight with one of the exes when he refused to give her his cellphone.

What she should have done: Gone to TLC to get a reality show deal, because living with two exes at the same time is some next-level,The Hills type shit. Maybe left him alone, he’s your ex now and is free to see other people. Maybe asked politely to see his call-record.

What she did do: Johnson slit his throat, leaving a 6 inch incision with a meat cleaver. She. Slit. His. Goddamn. Throat.

Like, girl, I get that men are really annoying and it can be tempting to want to snoop through their phones to see what they’re up to…but to cleaver a man and let him bleed out; he isn’t worth it. Thankfully, the ex boyfriend who got his throat cut did not die. Here’s hoping he moved out shortly after his recovery.

Angela Fletcher

This St. Louis woman and her boyfriend were both working at the same store. Then her boyfriend starts making friends with another woman who worked in the same store.

What she should have done:Ignored it, or talked to him if she was really concerned. It’s probably nothing, though.

What she did do: Posed as the female coworker and harassed him via text. She reported the woman to the police while simultaneously sending her boyfriend 897 harassing text messages to her boyfriend as the woman she was trying to prosecute.

Fletcher was prosecuted for giving a false statement to the police and for pretending to be the innocent woman she was trying to impersonate. The craziest part? Even after sending her boyfriend almost 900 asinine text messages, the couple still remained together. If a boyfriend sends me more than six text messages in a row we’re probably going to have words…so I honestly can’t understand how he was able to look past the other 894 mean messages she sent him.

Brian Schmidt

Schmidt a 38 year old, drunkenly shows up at his exes’ house and blaming his house-sitter for their relationship failing.

What he should have done: Calmed the fuck down. Got a cab to take him to Burger King then home.

What he did do: Ripped the head off of her pet snake.

After Schmidt’s ex returned home to find him sleeping in her bed, she offered him a ride back to his car, unbeknownst of the damage he had already committed. When she dropped him off, he went berserk, punching her car and trying to block her exit. Upon escaping and returning home, Schmidt’s ex found her snake slaughtered and her clothes covered in lotion and pee. Schmidt was charged with three felonies, and a poor snake lost it’s life.

James Hebison

A 51 year old man from New Mexico who was caught trespassing in the house of his ex-wife’s new boyfriend.

What he should have done: …….not been in there. Seen a therapist.

What he did do: Attempted to install perv cameras and microphones to record his ex wife having sex with her new boyfriend, presumably. He was charged with trespassing and with intent to create inappropriate videos. Dude, it is 2013, there is pornhub…there is no reason for you to make creepy sex tapes of your ex wife. I will buy you a Brazzers membership. I will personally buy you one if you just stop.

Have an horrifying ex of your own? Bitch about them in the comments below!

This essay first appeared on BoyFactor

image –Kevin Dooley