5 Fake Diets I’ve Tried Because I’m Lazy

1. NAPPING MORE.

Hmm, I love to sleep. Plus, I’m already in bed since I spend most of my time in it, why not give it a shot! If I’m sleeping, I can’t eat (#BewareNightCheese) and therefore can’t gain weight! Right? I feel that my average performance in AP Biology a few years ago can back me up on this claim. Oh, it’s 3 A.M. and I woke up hungry and just ate half a bag of Doritos? I guess that works too.

2. CHEWING GUM.

Ha, nice try stomach!! YOU want me to eat? I got half-a-pack of Orbit in my pocket, this bitch is gonna be thin. Wow, this gum thing is really working. Maybe I should go to H&M and buy new jeans. Wait. I’m starving. Did I really think I would just chew gum through my lunch break? Ugh and my teeth kind of hurt from all of this gum.. is that normal? Whatever, I’m getting Halal.

3. DRINKING MORE COFFFE.

Not today, snacks! I’m going to just drink coffee all day, everyday. I mean, I do that already? Maybe if I just up my intake I won’t even crave food. Nothing I love more than an iced coffee. Ugh, I’m dehydrated, but like losing weight takes sacrifice. Ooooh… Starbucks is doing a treat receipt… and like, it would be fiscally stupid to not come back for a chocolate croissant. After all, in this economy you gotta get a deal whenever you can. #WhatWouldSuzeOrmanDo.

4. DANCING AROUND MY APARTMENT.

While I highly recommend this for life in general, don’t bank on it to help you really lose weight. Just because you shimmied to “Love Is A Battlefield” while drinking half a bottle of wine and making a quesadilla, you still ended up finishing the bottle and the leftover cheese in your bed with no movement. But like, while you may have actually gained weight, you still had a pretty great night.

5. NOT EATING AFTER 8 P.M.

I think this was the stupidest one, because like post 8 P.M. is prime snack time. While I know that’s the reason why you shouldn’t eat that much after it… what else are you supposed to do? Like I’m going to watch The Real Housewives of New York with a cup of tea? Romona would freak. Plus, just like my napping attempt—all efforts fail when the midnight snack craving starts. No one is strong enough to calm that desire.