5 Friends You Don’t Want To Be


The One-Upper

Lets be serious; is there anything worse? They disguise themselves as friends when really in their mind everything is one big contest that they must, MUST win. In school it’s better grades, more friends, saying things like “WHAT NOW BITCH?” (when you are both seven years old and they beat you in the race to the water fountain). These are red flags for people who will grow up to become friends that NEED to have a bigger house than you, get paid more money, etc. etc. etc.  No friendship based on competition is ever a true friendship. Ideally people should revel in their friends successes not be plotting ways to achieve more than them.

The Relationship Gloater

Yes, I know cynical Ashley, but seriously. I’ve been in long relationships basically since senior prom, I just don’t see the dire need to display things on the regular. If you are in a relationship it goes without saying that now and again he might say something nice to you, or Hell he may even buy you flowers. Why are women always so awestruck by these things that they need to run and tell the world? I just find it odd. When your man builds you a castle with his bare hands that’s when I’d like to see 12 pictures of it.

The Troublemaker

Close friends know what will make you happy and they know just what to say and do to piss you off. They are the ones who say things like “hey..did you hear about this”, ”this person was just talking about you”, ”did you see the look she just gave you?”..they do this under the guise of being a good friend. Friends already know your upcoming reaction they know if it will upset you, maybe make you cry, or if you’re me you’ll lose your shit on someone and that’s really not a good look for you. Either way sometimes it is best to handle these types of friends with a grain of salt. Maybe they truly do think they are helping but if what they say most of the time is just stirring the pot (and stirring up your crazy) try not to take it too seriously.

The Star of the Show

Conversations in ideal essence should be a mixture of “I” statements and “you” statements. Where is the fun in a conversation if the entirety of it you are listening to someone talk about themselves? Sometimes you just want someone listen to you. If God forbid your friends Grandmother dies, she is upset and crying this isn’t an invitation for you to start talking about how you also had a bad day because you spilled coffee on your white pants. Not the time. Not the time. Every bad thing that happens to someone shouldn’t mentally trigger a story of something bad that happened to you “this is like that time when..” NO. Let your friends have their my life sucks moment of glory.

The High Judge

Sometimes you just want to say something like “so I made out with two brothers last night” without getting an eyebrow raise and eye roll. Sometimes you need a ride back to the brothers house because you left your flip flops under one of their beds and can’t remember which one. THESE things happen and it would be nice if your friends would just silently comply and love you for the moderately slutty person you are. If you didn’t judge them for the time they gave their number to a 58 year old man they can’t judge you for eating a whole tub of frosting with a spoon and wearing your pajamas in public. You question and overanalyze your choices enough as it is without a friend guilt tripping you or making you second guess things.