5 Must-Eat Pretentious Foods


Do you summer in Martha’s Vineyard? Winter in Palm Beach? Run a yoga and health wellness studio in Malibu?

The answer is statistically leaning towards ‘no’; however, there is hope! While you may not be getting your derriere botoxed with the Kardashians or sharing a pear tart with The Barefoot Contessa and her gaggle of flower shop-owning gays, you sure as hell can eat like my main girl Queen Elizabeth at the Diamond Jubilee.

The following list of superfoods are my top 5 all-time favorite pretentious health foods. Easily accessible, yet undeniably fitting for reassuring yourself (between your bites of overpriced delicacies) that you are better than anyone and everyone.


Quinoa is a hearty grain domesticated in the South American Andes 3,000-4,000 years ago, but you do not have to be the Incan Emperor to know this shit is dank. Packed with fiber and whole grains, you can never go wrong with this WASPy upper class treat.

Used in a sentence: “Barry and I made quinoa-black bean lettuce wraps poolside after a wonderful day on our yacht, the S.S. Douchebaggery.”


Kale is a cabbage packed with vitamins, protein and anti-cancer properties. Most importantly, every housewife with kids in private school is shitting their pants with incurable excitement in the name of kale chips. 350 degrees in the oven with a little olive oil, salt and pepper for 10-12 minutes, and you have a snack for the kids that is delicious and healthy.

Used in a sentence: “I no longer have to bang the pool boy, Juan, because I get all my sexual satisfaction from making kale chips for the kids!”

Greek Yogurt

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you should already know that Greek yogurt is the most sacred and treasured of yogurts. Capital punishment is now in effect for purchasing that regular Danon garbage. Just kidding. But, alas, if you are eating regular yogurt, we can only assume you are illiterate and probably in our national prison system database.

Used in a sentence: “Our pool boy, Juan, has a new job raising goats on our organic farm in the country so we can eat fresh Greek yogurt every morning. I miss him.”


This one needs very little explanation, except I obviously do not intend for you to stick these lovely anti-oxidant fruits into some obese cobbler or pie. Don’t be gross. Put them in your Greek yogurt for breakfast or eat them as an afternoon snack. Please note they will in no way make you full, but fake that shit! Claim you are satisfied from this psuedosnack and do not disappoint. People aspire to be you.

Used in a sentence: “Oh, I am just so full from my three blueberries I ate before Soul Cycle a few hours ago! How are you hungry? *Snicker and eye roll*

Almond Butter

Peanut butter is now the forgotten, underachieving middle child of the nut butter family. Almond butter, with lower saturated fat content and supplemental protein and fiber, is Jesus’ second coming in spreadable form. It’s twice the cost of peanut butter (which is already expensive), but obviously you should default on your credit or student loans before giving this up during your personal budget restructuring.

Used in a sentence: “I may be living on the streets, but at least I have 200 Costco-sized jars of almond butter in my shopping cart to truly determine my value to society.”

Happy and smart eating, fellow snobby, secretly-poor foodies! 

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