5 Obscure (But Absolutely Real) Dating Dealbreakers

Dating in Los Angeles can be perilous. Most dating nightmare stories pale in comparison to this list, but these are still valid deal breakers.

1. Never saying “Bless You”

Does this bother anyone else? I dated a guy for over a year who could never bring himself to say “bless you” when I, or anyone else was sneezing in his proximity. I don’t think it was a religious thing, I just think he lacked the ability to be polite in social settings. Not saying bless you, is like being rude to a waiter and I can’t have that.

2. A weird voice

I met this cool seeming guy on a dating site. After a few jaunty emails I gave him my phone number. The voice on the other end of the line sounded strange.  It was familiar, yet alarming. I just couldn’t quite place it. Did he sound like an old timey barber? Was he related to the Swedish Chef? No… soon I realized mid conversation that he sounded like Jeff Goldblum AKA The Fly. I couldn’t bring myself to meet with the guy. 

3. Puts Ketchup on Steak

A very nice guy took me to a very questionable restaurant called Killer Shrimp. At Killer Shrimp, he decided to order a steak. That should have been the first clue. I was then told I had to order the Killer Shrimp. I’m not sure why he was excluded from ordering the shrimp, but whatever. His steak comes, and he proceeds to dump half a bottle of ketchup on the steak. I tried to politely ask if his steak was sub-par, he replied that no he just loves every steak with ketchup. He suddenly transformed from a tall attractive man into an oversized eight-year-old. Also, The Killer Shrimp was terrible.

4. Kara-te

A grown adult male asked me to come watch him do Kara-te for a date. He was not a ninja, nor was he planning on becoming one.  Once I learned of the lack of the word Ninja being on his resume, I declined to go watch him jump around in pajamas.

5. Has a Bird

Birds outside are cool. Birds inside that are left to freely flap about and shit everywhere are not okay. They will never be okay. They have beady little eyes and a sharp beak and claws. I tried to think of them like small cute dinosaurs. Nope, didn’t work. I met this one guy’s bird who I was convinced hated me. I was not going to spend the night there, ever.

*Author’s note: I probably fucked up and didn’t date actual Jeff Goldblum. Didn’t I?