5 People You’ll See At A College Party This Year That Didn’t Exist 10 Years Ago
By Toby Davis
1. The Instagrammer
This is the chick that stops the beer pong game before it even starts to take a picture of the table and her rack. This way she can hash tag the pic with #college and #party while she “racks” up likes not for her photography or beer pong skills but rather for her and her nice looking rack. Rack ’em up indeed sweetheart and be sure to Instagram a selfie of you devouring a double cheeseburger at 3am crying about your ex-boyfriend too so we get the full night out.
2. Gluten free guy
I don’t know what gluten is or why suddenly people can’t have it but it seems to be an epidemic so be ready to deal with the, “Is there gluten in this?” guy. Whether it’s the keg beer or the chips you’re serving at the party be prepared to answer this question at some point during a party this semester. The best answer I have to combat this question is, “What’s a gluten?” I think this should confuse the person long enough for him to really ask himself, “Yeah, what is a gluten?” By the time he or she comes out of a mild gluten brain lapse you can get back to the party leaving them in the gluten dust.
3. The let me play one song guy
Everyone has a smart phone by now giving us the amazing capability to access the internet at all times through our phones. This has also led to everyone being able to go to YouTube to find their favorite jam, and unplugging the cord that was playing music at the party. After a loud buzz from the auxiliary cord being unplugged the wannabe DJ will switch it into their phone’s headphone jack to stream what will probably be a bad song, but only after we listen to a loud 30 second commercial. Ladies are especially guilty of this often falling prey to the most recent viral music video like the travesty that was Gangnam Style. Nobody genuinely liked that right? Anyways, the problem of one person switching the music to hear their favorite song through their phone is that someone else will probably want to hear their favorite song next. This leads to three or four people standing around the music taking turns switching songs halfway through each new song like a version of the worst game of musical chairs imaginable. Another problem with the one song switch is that the self-proclaimed DJ usually forgets to switch it back to the old iPod list the house host had worked so hard on, which in turn leaves the party silent for a while until someone notices how awkwardly quiet it is when no one is talking.
4. The cell phone charger guy
This is the guy at the party where no matter how high the battery is on his cell phone he’ll always be asking for a charger for his phone and be standing next to the plugged in phone awkwardly while it charges for the remainder of the party. Girls are also guilty of this crime on party, but somehow they find a way to charge their phone while still sitting at the table playing cards. She may ruin any type of game that requires the least bit of concentration as she will be texting her friends the entire time, but you can’t call her on it because after all you’re going to want her friends to come to the party eventually.
5. Bros wearing Affliction Clothing
According to the internet, Affliction Clothing was founded in 2005, and from there it spread like a douche wild fire. While it was nice to spot tools easily from a distance from their now shiny shirts, it also seemed to give tools a reason to come out of the closet or garage so to speak. It has seemed to die down a bit as of more recent years, but be on the lookout for a group of guys wearing Affliction as it will almost surely never lead to a good time.