5 Problems You Face When All Your Friends Start Getting Married (And You Aren’t)


1. Registries

I’ve never understood that Sex & the City scene where Carrie Bradshaw, riding solo, registers herself at Manolo Blahnik as much as I do now. Oh, you’ve succeeded at finding love and winning the not forever alone game? And you’re making me, lonely loner walking down a lonely road over here, buy you something to celebrate the fact you’re better at love and relationships than I am? Well, enjoy your flipping chimney starter, bitches.

2. Plus Ones

I don’t think anything makes a single person break out in a cold sweat like feeling like they need to scrounge up a date for a wedding. Let’s talk about all the factors that go into this life or death decision: Are they good company? Do they happen to know either the bride or groom? If they don’t, will or will it not be a big deal? Do they like to dance? Do you even like to dance? Are they tall enough that you could still wear heels? Do you even want to wear heels? Selecting a plus one – or deciding if you even need one – is nothing short of modern game theory.

3. No open bar

…you’re making me buy you a set of mixing bowls, agonize over a date, wear an uncomfortable-ass pair of heels, and you’re not even going to provide me with complimentary booze to numb my senses through this affair? Fuck you.

4. The cold reality of your own solitude

God, you suck at relationships, don’t you? OkCupid doesn’t even help. It just makes you feel dirty, and if one more 50 year old man asks you to help him cheat on his wife, you’re joining a convent. So while everyone around you is pairing off, you’re checking out at the grocery store with a bottle of wine, ice cream, 50 Shades of Grey, and a dog toy. DON’T JUDGE ME JUDGEY CHECK OUT LADY. YOU DON’T KNOW ME YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.

5. You’re so goddamn happy that your heart could burst.

Cause you’re not a soulless, destined to be forever alone cynic. One, you may not even want to get married any time remotely soon, and you’re secure enough with yourself that you know your day will come if you want it to. Two, they’re your friends. You love them. You’ve laughed until you’ve cried and cried until you’ve laughed with them. You can’t even handle all the happiness in your heart that you have for them on their special day. Shameless shout out here to my awesome friends, Amber and Jeff, and Kathy and Josh. I can’t wait to celebrate your special days with y’all.

Congratulations and enjoy your blenders!

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