5 Questions To Stop Asking Your Queer Friends (And 5 Questions To Ask Instead)

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1. I get that you’re queer, but why do you have to flaunt it?

Here’s a fact, universal across all cultures: PDA is fucking obnoxious. It’s annoying, it’s cloying, and I detest it, even though I am now part of a couple (sorry, boo). But nobody asks straight couples why they have to “flaunt it,” just like nobody questions straight couplings in movies, or straight privilege, or even merch celebrating straight couples in entertainment (Disneyland, anyone?).

Next time you feel the urge to question your queer friends for existing, do us all a favor and ask this instead: So what’s your current favorite queer show in the media? I’m done watching “Good Omens” and I need some recommendations.

2. So, you’re pansexual and your partner is of the opposite sex. Are you still gay?

I can answer this for you: Yes, they are.

You are not your friend. You don’t know who they are attracted to. So do as you do when you ask what kinds of toppings they want on their nachos: Believe them, and don’t assume anything based on outward appearances.

If you really feel the urge to question them about their partner, ask this: That person seems pretty special. What do you like about them?

3. Isn’t demisexual just normal?

Demisexual means that this person experiences sexual attraction very rarely, and only after forming an emotional bond with their partner. So unless you consider one night stands and hookups as unnatural aberrations, then the question is nonsensical (also, obnoxious af).

Here’s a good rule of thumb: If the question can be answered through Googling, then you don’t need to put it to your queer friends. This is the sort of question that precedes more boundary-pushing ones, like “How do you know if you haven’t tried it?” and “I can convince you otherwise.” Do them a favor and ask this instead: How do you feel today?

4. If you’re transgender, does that mean you’re getting the chop?

First of all: Yuck. Second of all: That’s none of your business.

Ask instead: Literally anything else.

5. Why bother?

Why bother asking for equal rights? Why bother challenging power structures? Why bother demanding basic human rights?

Just because you are personally not affected by anti-queer discrimination doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. And if you wait until it impacts you to care, then it’s already too late. Ask instead: What can I do to help?