5 Songs That Should Never Ever Be Played At Your Wedding

Much like Olive Garden or the company night out for bar trivia, weddings often end up being less fun to attend than you hoped. One of the main culprits is the food, which usually consists of somewhat-recently broiled meat, questionable vegetables, and the kind of roll you’d expect to eat on an airplane. And while those things can fill you full of despair, you thankfully have alcohol to distract you. What’s harder to avoid, and measurably more sinister, is the music that’s played during the reception. There is little in the civilized world more miserable than being trapped in a sweaty wedding reception hall with bad music playing loudly.

Should you find yourself in a position to intervene, these are the first 5 songs you should delete from the DJ’s playlist.

1. Jessie’s Girl by Rick Springfield

Let me just say from experience that a wedding is a bad place to tell your friend’s girlfriend that you’re in love with her, and we don’t need any music playing that might encourage that sort of behavior.

2. All Summer Long by Kid Rock

Other than being named after the smallest amount of time you’re allowed to ignore Kid Rock’s discography, this song has very little to offer to you. We can’t change the fact that T.I. made a song with him in 2010. We just can’t. But we can try to prevent further mistakes.

3. Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice

You guys. Come on.

It’s not funny anymore.

4. I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas

NOPE. nope. no. “I gotta feeling this song is not going to be played tonight!” you’ll shout as you delete it, much to the riotous delight and laughter of all the dads in attendance.

5. Brick House by The Commodores

If you’re at a wedding where everyone’s tomatoes are hanging out then that party has gotten way too lit and you need to go home.

The easiest way to avoid these situations of course is by not going to weddings, but part of growing up is (apparently) leaning your full weight into the various sisyphean events and obligations that developed human culture has labeled as “important.”