5 Things I Will Never Hide From My Future Children

1. My Biggest Teenage Screw-up

Now granted, I didn’t have many (awkward glasses-phase and honor roll plaques for the win) but my few masterpiece hot mess moments will definitely be shared with my kids. When, of course, they are of the appropriate age to both hear and appreciate the lesson. Mommy may or may not be guzzling a glass of wine mid-confession.

2. What Does One’s Bank Account Look Like At The End Of A Pay Period?

Empty, yes. But why? (Relatedly, how much is a mortgage for a moderately sized, up-to-code home/ this is how much your after school trips to Sonic are costing the family/ if you keep leaving the lights on when you exit a room, we might be homeless soon, etc.)

3. Sex Will Probably Be Awful At First, But It Will Get Better

Honest sex talks > half-assed, uninformative mumbling chats from the 90’s. Aside from the standard how-to-use-a-tampon body changing discussion — which should really occur earlier than it probably is, for most — a candid one-on-one about the highs and lows of sex is, in my opinion, a must. (For the older teen, of course.)

4. The Full Picture of Family Dysfunction

How easy it is to give children a partial view of relationships, especially the strained ones. And while it’s tempting to create mini-me’s who ultimately leave the nest with the main goal to carry out my mission as a parent (tempting!), it’s not fair to do them the disservice. An extended family is a complicated and sometimes messy thing, and at the right ages, my children will be privy to the grey areas on both sides.

5. That Their Mother Was Born In The Greatest Decade Ever

Not a day will go by without a day-glo, Breakfast Club, or NKOTB reference. Knowledge is power, little unborn offspring of mine. May they forever embrace the 80’s like generations before them.