5 Things I Won’t Say Because I’m Scared Of Us Failing


Make no mistake. Everyone has told me how great you are. People stop me on a daily basis to comment on how lucky I am to be seeing you, how this thing between us is definitely going somewhere.

And it’s easy to smile and agree. This could be something amazing. But it won’t because:

1. I can’t tell you how funny it is that your stomach makes noises at night.

My biggest embarrassment when sleeping with someone is my chronically, disgustingly loud stomach. Anytime I am within five feet of someone and have eaten in the last 18 hours, my stomach decides it’s time to digest LOUDLY. But yours does too. And when you’re asleep, it wakes me up. In a weird, comforting way, it feels like my annoying, talkative stomach really isn’t such a big deal after all.

2. I can’t thank you enough for the things you do for me.

I can’t find the words to thank you for bringing me soup when I am sick, and helping me when I call you late at night in a panic with a million questions only you can answer. I can’t thank you for accepting my friends and putting up with pictures of my dog. I try, but I can’t find the words necessary to express the gratitude I feel.

3. I am afraid of you.

I’m afraid of the possibilities you stand for. I’m afraid I don’t deserve the happiness that you bring me. I’m afraid I will fall so short of your expectations that I will hurt you. And I could never hurt you.

4. I know you deserve someone better than me. But you don’t know it.

You chose the wrong person. You think you know me, but you haven’t seen the dark, dark places inside me. And I can’t let you.

5. I will never tell you how I feel.

I have composed the texts. Dialed your number. Rolled over next to you and opened my mouth to say it. But I never will. I will watch this beautiful thing between us fade and fizzle. And it will be my fault. And you, beautiful, beautiful you, will find someone else. And she will be the luckiest girl alive.