5 Things That Should’ve Improved By The 21st Century

1. Washing machines

It shouldn’t cost $5 and take 2 hours, that’s an absurd amount of my waking life and cash. I had plans for that cash, that $20 was gonna buy me a pitcher at least. Now I have to buy a forty from 7-11 in my most raggedy clothes and ask for change in dollar bills so I can get quarters. God only knows what the cashier is thinking I’m about to do.

I should have an app by now. Why do I have an app for finding the nearest frozen yogurt delivery, which I do maybe once a month, and not an app that electronically facilitates the laundry process, which I do once a week?

And two hours? That’s more time than I give most people. When this whole ‘technological revolution’ happened and everything became faster and more efficient, why did we forget laundry?

I don’t like that there’s this big box of metal that requires a jump back to the most primitive form of currency, and I don’t want to see another condescending “Apple…you’re more powerful than you think.” commercial until I’m Venmo-ing a washer/dryer for a 10 minute cycle.

2. Microwaves

Now that I’m already at 7-11 buying a forty, I find it’s best to also buy a microwavable pizza. I used to only buy the forty, but I felt like I was scaring people at the Laundromat. If you have a pizza with you I think it gives them a little comfort.

I shouldn’t have to do anything after closing the microwave door. The microwave should have sensors identifying the type of food, and closely monitoring that food’s temperature until it’s cooked to perfection. I’m tired of these hit-or-miss estimates.

Now I burn my pizza in the Laundromat, which not only pisses everyone off but leaves a lingering reminder of my failures to smell between sips.

3. Voice mail

Why are we still doing this? You can bet your sweet ass I’m not listening to it. In fact, I almost don’t even want to call you back. Voice mail should only exist to translate your message into a text, and only if you have something more substantial than,

“Yo, it’s Kevin, it’s noon right now but hit me up when you get this.”

I have all that information, Kevin. I can’t play basketball for another hour because my fucking gym shorts are in the dryer, my phone’s about to die, and I’m gonna need to eat something first.

My voicemail has been full for years, there are probably some really important messages in there, but I’ll never know. If we don’t take a stand against the things that annoy us, how will those things ever improve? That’s why I urge you to make a pledge right now to go voicemail-free, I’ll send you a button each month – I don’t give a shit.

4. Cellphone Batteries

“Oh, but today’s cellphones have powerful processing capabilities, so you only get half a day’s worth. You could try turning off your Wi-Fi.”

Lies. This thing has ‘conspiracy’ written all over it. Turn off my Wi-Fi? Why, because the battery manufacturer is pawn in Verizon’s data charge scheme? What a twisted web they’ve spun.

They’re playing us from both angles, hoping you drop your phone and forget to pack your charger. You’re telling me none of the revenue from my countless replacement phones goes to an R&D department dedicated to making better batteries? How stupid do you think I am?

Samsung’s R&D department is somewhere in the tropics on a yacht, sudsing a Dominican prostitute’s tits with champagne because they’ve already created a battery with a 200hr lifespan. That’s what happens when you’re rich and bored. By my estimates, this has been going on for years.

If I’m the investigative journalist I think I am, I’ll have this story cracked by next weekend. My hope is that other companies hoarding technology will come forward. What are we missing out on? Solar cars? Renewable energy? Thinner latex? Don’t even get me started on Bitcoin.

5. Every Movie on Stream

Every movie. Bless your heart Netflix, but I’m hoping you were the small step before the giant leap in streaming full-length film. There’s no excuse anymore, put up ads until it’s financially viable. Put a two hour advertisement of your logo flashing like a strobe-light, I’ll figure it out from there. I could’ve left it on for the dog before the wash cycle and I would’ve come home to a fully buffered movie. Do you know how good that would feel? No, of course you don’t. No one does.