5 Things You Learn From Being A Promiscuous* Female In The 21st Century

I choose to use the word *promiscuous* because I’ve been called a slut enough times that I think it’s okay to call myself one and it’s not. I am writing this piece from a personal perspective and if you don’t understand and decide to judge me go ahead. I do not care if your boyfriend waited 4 months for you to be ready, I do not care if you’ve only slept with people who told you they loved you, and I do not fucking care if you can’t relate. All of my advice comes from my point of view and experiences with societies fucked up idea that sex is a dirty, unspeakable thing. But only for girls. The idea that men have a right to treat you badly based on the fact that you put out, that women get shamed for doing exactly what men are do is wrong. The fact that 13 year old girls have their appearance used as a rational reason for why they were gang raped is wrong, and the fact that I and so many other girls have been told that having sex with people is disgusting, but we have to still must be sexually inviting and visually pleasing. It’s all fucking wrong. Yes, you can say that I brought a lot of this on myself and you can point out that there is still true love and relationships and good men with good hands. But I am not talking about any of that, I am talking about the burn of hoping that this person will be different than the last, I am talking about how woman who have sex are treated like they are some lower being, undeserving of respect and good treatment. My experience of being a sexually active female in this society has been complete bullshit and I am not going to act like it hasn’t been.

1. You will regret wearing a skirts out at night. You thought you would want the attention, the long unblinking stares. But the cat calls will feel like dirty water balloons smashing against your skin and you will shy away from any outstretched hand because you fear they will contaminate you. One night, a man may follow you home and he might shove his rough hand under your skirt and this man will be grinning and unapologetic and you will run with your heart trembling. You will shower for hours and still not feel clean. You won’t go to the police though, because you have been told that it’s your fault. Your best friend will advice you not to wear such short skirts and your mother will say that the man must have been mentally unstable. Do not believe anything they say. They are wrong. If anyone’s actions make you have nightmares and panic attacks, if they make you feel dirty and small for wearing something that is supposed to make you feel attractive and confident, that is not your fault. I promise you, it’s never your fault.

2. It is going to hurt. People are going to hurt you and there is no way to avoid this. If you slip into bed with a boy, who doesn’t smile as soon as he catches your eye, you are going to get hurt. You will meet boys who call you fascinating and pretty and gorgeous and sweet. You will wrap yourself around them, believing every word they say and yes, they will mean these words because that is exactly what you are. But 2 months later, these boys will say things that will make you cover every mirror in your house with black sheets. There will be too many boys like this. You may soon not be able to believe your own mother when she says you are perfect and beautiful, but I am begging you not to reach this point.

3. You will meet boys who are boring and love you and you will meet boys who are forest fires but don’t. You will live in them. There will be boys that will haunt you for months but they always forget who you are when you put your clothes back on. Your friends will tell you these boys who leave so quickly are stupid, and missing out, that they aren’t worth your time anyways, blaming your empty hands on some fatal flaw they must possess. But you will begin to dissect yourself to find what is wrong with you, wanting to understand why you are so easy to leave. All too quickly, you will feel like there isn’t enough of you left.

4. Everybody will leaves scars on you, even if they don’t mean to, even if they don’t think that they are. You are a moth throwing yourself again a white hot light, searching endlessly for something more and your wings will be battered and bruised. There will be suffering and pain and you will spend nights laying on your bedroom floor hating your hands for needing another to hold them but this is what will give you a terrifying realization: You can survive. You are made of the sun and the moon and all of the stars and you are whole, you are so whole.

5. You must learn that your heart is a liar and you cannot let it makes excuses for people who only call you beautiful when you are naked and on top if them, but make you feel worthless with your clothes on. Your heart will whisper, “Maybe they’re honestly just busy,” or try and convince you that acting like you don’t exist during the weekdays must be some form of memory loss disease. Listen to your brain. It is wiser and will remind you that the rush of excitement you get when you’re acknowledged is only exciting because getting their attention is like finding a four leaf clover. Nobody has any right to treat like you disposable. If you sleep with a boy the first time you meet him, that does not give him reason to disrespect you. Yes, you have been told by many anonymous voices, that it’s wrong to fuck on the first date but you have been left behind so many times you will feel you have no other way of getting their interest. You have been told not to give in to sex so easily, but you have been told that you must possess sex appeal. Nothing anyone says should dictate how you feel about yourself and if a boy thinks that he can treat you like shit because you give him what you have been trained to believe is your strongest attraction, go find better people. You will find people who do not care how many people you’ve slept with, and sleeping with them the first time you meet them will not change anything. Taking of your clothes does not change the endless amount of love you have, how you have a heart so big it can fit more people in it than Tokyo can. Sleeping with boys because they make you feel good does not make you wrong, you want to be loved, cared for, to be called beautiful by a kind boy with blue eyes and soft hands and that is okay. You are full of tender concupiscence, you are searching for someone to mean something to. You are soft and sensual and alluring and kind and those are endlessly beautiful qualities about you. The voice in your head? She’s wrong.