5 Things You Should Be Able To Review On Yelp


1. Potential mates

If you could review your exes on Yelp, it would save so much time for everyone, don’t you think? Like on Craigslist, there’d be codes for everything. DI = Daddy Issues. SP = Small penis. RAFWBI = Rich and feels weird about it. CDC = Cries during coitus. Maybe it’d force people to be less of a psycho and treat others with more respect. Because there’s no greater threat than telling someone “I’m going to give you a bad review on Yelp!” is there? “The health department is going to shut your ass down if you don’t text me back, bitch!” Sample review: “Sam is a great guy until he’s not, until he’s pretty much the worst person you’ll ever meet in your life. Someone really should put caution tape all around his dick because that shit is dangerous.”

2. Ages

Sample review: “Age 13 — Lots of crying, being stranded at places until your mom picks you up, and erections. Age 14 — More erections, sometimes even at your grandma’s house, plus acne. Age 19: Homesickness and potential weight gain. Binge drinking + a close and personal relationship with the edges of your toilet bowl develops. Age 25 — Unique blend of narcissism and self-loathing sets in. You pray constantly for a decent Wifi connection and a boyfriend but both seem frequently out of reach.”

3. Drug dealers

Um, I’m sorry, but this would actually be extremely helpful. Like, I need to know, is my dealer hot, homeless, or both? Does “I’ll be there in an hour” really mean an hour or does it mean six days? Will my dealer linger and try to get high with me, even when I’m clearly like “no”?

4. Friendships

Sample review: Sandra is a really loyal friend but is also sort of needy. If receiving frequent texts that say, “are you alive girlie? call me!” are your thing though, you should definitely hang out with her. Devon is a passive-agressive nightmare and you will leave every friend date feeling vaguely like crap and not really knowing why. John has eating issues and doesn’t like to consume food in public so make sure you eat beforehand or else you’ll be starving. Anna is really hot and can get you into great parties, but she’s only bearable when she’s wasted. Thankfully for you, that’s often!”

5. Emotions

Sample review: Depression is a bummer. It has bad ambience and, like, doesn’t know when to leave your house. Maturity and being “evolved” is really overrated. Like, why should I be above it? I don’t mind being below anything really. Vanity is an expensive bitch and very time-consuming. Sadness can be fun if you have a good playlist and a light dimmer. Desperation is a terrifying psycho who manages to sneak through the back door and embarrass the hell out of you. Avoid feeling desperate at all costs. The emotion you get after realizing that someone you like finds you attractive and would like to see you naked is one of the best emotions to ever exist. Like, if your brain was a high school cafeteria, validation would be HBIC.  

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image – Yelp