5 Things You Should Do Once You Become The ‘Ex’


Or rather should I say, what not to do?  For those of you who have yet to experience the first epic break up of your life, let me brace you by saying, it’s going to get fucking ugly.  The man you are about to witness, is unlike any you have ever seen up close and in real life.  You’ve judged your friends who’ve been dumped, you’ve heard these urban legends on the streets, but you always thought, hey, I’m not going to be like Gwen Stefani says.  I will not make that ex-list of yours buddy.

Then out of “nowhere” you get the bomb dropped that your man has decided to cut all ties before he’s lost all hope of experiencing everything life has to offer (aka some poetic bull shit they came up with for describing getting laid by someone “better” than you).  There are a multitude of reactions you could have and they vary between girl, and especially if you are IN love as they say.  How I envisioned it when it happened to me, was like going to the beach for the first time and sprinting head first into the water.  Thinking this isn’t going to be so bad.  I can totally conquer this epic body of water with the force to kill me in one sway of the wind.  And then… it comes.  This giant fucking crash while I’m looking in the opposite direction.  Rip curl, under current, fucking drowning and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.  I’m trying to fight it.  Trying to pull out every fucking verbal stop I can muster to save myself.  And that’s the main point.  Me.  I’m just trying to get myself to breathe again.  You were long gone before you started this conversation.  But I just want YOU to save ME.   Eventually your chest will un-constrict and you’ll pull yourself out of the Bella Swan fetal position in the forest.  Then comes the ever constant, 5 stages of grief.  And they don’t come in any particular order at this point.  You’re literally about to witness the heartbroken version of Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde and visually understand why it is you were left behind in the first place.  So here’s a few tips for those who still have a chance to maintain some dignity, or to learn from your previous (and likely many) mistakes:


Just like baking, that shit is not going to set in minutes.  You need to give it time to spread and understand its surroundings.  Everything is going to be new, and shocking I know, but it will be for the BOTH of you.    Cry yourself to sleep as long as it takes, just LET YOURSELF FEEL.  He may be the one that dumped you, but you’re not the only one in a break up situation.  You’re just going to handle it in two different ways.  And both ways absolutely need time to adjust.  Maybe you like eating raw fucking cupcakes, I don’t know.  But you’re going tot get sick or worse, dysentery.  So ease up, give it a minute, and enjoy the delicious end result that awaits when you give yourself a reasonable timer.  Hopefully by then, someone is feeding you the dessert.  This step also includes, deleting all traces of this person from your social media life, and of course phone (though I know you know the fucking number by heart.  Damn you memory!)


In fact find anything.  ANYTHING but going to him.  It may be likely you have no friends after this relationship.  Your own fault, but figure it out.  Make some new ones or throw yourself into trying to rebuild the ones you had pre-boyfriend.  All else fails, Refer to step 1.  There is no sane reason to talk to your EX boyfriend, unless you have a child, a pet, or you forgot your life saving serum at their place.  So find something else to put your entire life into.  Maybe you loved talking about Meme’s and Chuck Palahniuk novels… I’m sure your friend would LOVE  to hear about those things.  If not.  Take to blogging.  Take to ANYTHING but trying to think that they care anymore about what you have to say.  They are a shell of what you once had, and any thing you think about them, has withered away until the day they are ready to consider you in their life again.  So find a hobby, get another job, move.  Do anything to not become THAT girl who thinks the non-chalant, “lets just be friends” strategy is really going to work in your favor.


I know its hard to have a good time when you’re depressed as all fuck, but you really gotta give it a shot.  This is what alcohol was made for.  Times that are rough, and need to be temporarily muted for an allotted amount of time.  You can be depressed on a Monday morning with work to keep you occupied, but the weekends – there is no need to be the bar’s official wet blanket.   One major thing to remember here, is that NO ONE wants to hear your sob stories on how your ex is an asshole and you did everything right, and he’s going to realize he made a mistake, and you’re the best thing that ever happened to him.  You’re just going to be a Buzzkillington and it certainly isn’t going to up you’re “A” game in finding someone to bang the sanity back into you.   Don’t speak, take shots, and DEFINITELY leave your phone at home.  Ex-texting does not a good night make.


You’re going to get into this mode where all you want to do is text him/call/facebook/email/tweet/showupathisdoorstep or just pull your fucking hair out to stop you.  These are the moments you can’t share with friends because whatever “sound” logic you think you’re brewing up, is nothing other than your bargaining phase playing evil tricks on you.    Rather than focus on what you have (ahem… YOU) you’re only believing the girl you should be is the one that was with him.   Change is a bitch, but it’s a bitch you’re going to have to confront in this process.  The good news?? You have all this free time now to just do YOU.  No longer bound by boyfriend-y obligations of being this or doing that.  You can finally try that cooking class he refused to go to.  Go to the gym that’s actually on your way to your apartment.  Burp as loud as you want while cracking your shit up watching Girl Code.   Keeping your individuality in a relationship is beyond difficult, so you tend to lose yourself as the years go by.  Try to get that girl back.  The girl that got this guy in her clutches in the first place!   It’s going to be an even greater shit show to date again, if you don’t even know who you’re introducing yourself as.


You can’t just convince yourself youre “over it” and call it a day.  You’re definitely not at all, but you know you have to try.  So my very kitschy solution is nothing more than a reward jar.   Notice you went an entire 20 minutes without thinking about him?  Throw some cash in the jar.  Didn’t stalk him when you logged on facebook?  MORE MONEY!   Just keep counting up all the wonderful pats-on-the-back you totally deserve.   Whenever you feel like dipping into it, make it be for a hot dress to a cocktail party.   Tickets to a spontaneous concert.  Whatever.  Just make sure it’s all for you!  No bitch needs to kill your vibe, especially someone that one day “loved” you and the next is saying he needs his “space.”  Rebuilding your self worth doesn’t have to be a battle if you don’t mind pushing yourself out of the gutter.