5 Ways To Convert Your Guy Friends Into Feminist Allies

Being a guy feminist isn’t easy, especially when you spend a lot of time around guys who aren’t feminists—and as the joke goes, the more time you spend with guys who aren’t feminists, the more you realize why all women hate guys.

Take my friend “Joe,” for example. His name may not really be “Joe,” but to avoid potential lawsuits, let’s call him “Joe.” He’s a good guy at heart and I’ve known Joe since high school, but he’s so sexist, it makes me want to shame him in front of his whole family on Facebook.

Joe looks at women like a butcher looks at a hunk of meat. Women are not real to Joe the carnivore, Joe the predator, Joe the devourer, Joe the potential rapist. To Joe’s sexist mind, women don’t have souls, only holes.

Joe’s brain has been sculpted to hate women, their vaginas in particular—ironically, the same vaginas from which all male sexists are spat forth as they enter this man’s world—by an undeniably patriarchal media/legal/educational complex that clearly needs to be dismantled.

Whenever you mention your recent conversion to male feminism, Joe scoffs and says it’s because Cindy dumped you for a guy who drives a motorcycle, but you tell him that every life experience, especially with women, is a learning experience, and that if you’d only been nicer to Cindy and converted to male feminism like she’d been urging you, she wouldn’t have fallen for the “bad boy” and had that whole meltdown where she started acting like she really wasn’t a feminist after all.

You’ve always thought that Joe was gross and creepy, but since you’ve decided to devote your life to becoming (never fully “being”—it’s a perpetual process of becoming) a feminist ally, he seems grosser and creepier than ever, and you want to share important information with him about women that will make him a better man just for hearing it.

This is a handy and very effective five-point plan for converting sexist men to male feminism through a delicate balance of common sense and shaming.

1. Tell Him To Stop Making Sexist Comments

If Joe makes a sexist comment and there are no women around, say, “Joe, I think that was a sexist comment.” If there are women around, say, “Joe, I really think that was a sexist comment.” If he continues to make sexist comments, keep telling him to stop until he stops.

2. Tell Him It’s Improper To Make Lewd Suggestions To Friends’ Significant Others

Joe thinks you’re “uptight” and “have a stick up your ass” and “need to chill out and have a drink” if you aren’t constantly making rude, degrading comments about the anatomy of every female in sight. What Joe doesn’t realize is that, in a very real way, he is a rapist. He rapes the “safe space” that should be left undisturbed inside every woman’s head. You must be stern with him, but do it while offering the hope of redemption: “Joe, I don’t think the way you’re speaking about Bob’s wife’s ass is very respectful to any of us, yourself included.”

3. Tell Him That Women Really Wouldn’t Even Fuck Him If He Spoke Respectfully Toward Them

Joe’s always talking about how all “bitches” are “sluts” and are “asking for it” and “really want it” and “like doing it a lot.” If Joe were a lot more attractive than he is, such comments would be forgivable—in many cases, perhaps even charming. But what makes Joe’s comments so disgusting is the fact that Joe is physically repulsive and doesn’t even realize it. Once you convince Joe that his “issues” with women stem from a lifetime of being rejected by them because he is not a desirable mate, you will break his will and thereby prepare him to become a dedicated and militant male feminist until the day he dies.

4. Tell Him To Stop Laughing At Rape Jokes

Although most men will deny it, they all tell rape jokes and laugh at them when there are no women around. Tell Joe there’s nothing funny about rape, there will never be anything funny about rape EVER, and that any man who laughs at rape jokes should be forcibly sodomized by a trained team of a dozen very muscular men. (Come to think of it, the idea of guys getting raped is kinda funny.)

5. Tell Him That His Opinions End Where Everyone Else’s Feelings Begin

Joe probably whines a lot about “censorship” and “free speech” and “the First Amendment” and “the Constitution,” but basically he’s a baby who hides his fear behind tough but empty words. And if the little baby boy keeps running his mouth, if he keeps shooting those poison darts that he calls “words” at people, sooner or later someone will get hurt. And if someone gets hurt, then Joe will go to jail. And if Joe gets hurt in jail, that’s the price of free speech. Free speech is not hate speech. Sorry, I think it’s the other way around—hate speech is not free speech. Yeah. That’s it. Tell Joe that it’s fine if he wants to have an opinion, but you will get him jailed unless he keeps it to himself.