5 Worst Foods To Eat In Public

1. Apples.

The apple is known as a bit of a forbidden fruit, analogous to the whole Adam and Eve business (or the Twilight series if you’re really feeling the romantic teenage angst). Apples are the Mona Lisas of fruits: well-known, respectable, and not much to look at. They have a solid kick of caffeine in them and make an ideal snack or sweet side to any sandwich. I recommend slicing these bad boys up if you plan on enjoying one in public, since gnawing on one in its entirety will result in the following:

• Excess saliva
• Loud chewing and biting
• Paranoia/self-consciousness
• Sticky hands
• Sadness
• Loss of all social life
• Family possibly disowns you

I’m kidding about that last one, but you catch my drift. Biting off/chewing an apple in public is rough, particularly if it’s in the midst of an otherwise silent situation. (class, a quiet waiting room, a lecture, etc.) I learned this the hard way when a high-school teacher stopped a PowerPoint presentation just to glare at me mid-apple bliss.

2. Fish.

Any sort of fish. Tuna, salmon, tilapia, even shrimp. Although fish is a heart-healthy source of protein that’s bursting with omega-3 fatty acids, vitamins D and B2, calcium, phosphorous, and a plethora of other minerals, it has a certain undesirable odor that tends to linger. This makes it somewhat difficult to whip out a tuna sandwich while sitting in close proximity to anyone—especially someone you’re trying to impress. I don’t remember ever fantasizing about a guy leaning into me, tucking my hair behind my ear in the gentlest manner, and whispering, “You smell like Alaska cod.”

That would be a nightmare.

My take on fish: Learn to love it, eat lots of it, but don’t bring it to a classroom, work meeting, or anywhere else where you might receive disapproving glances.

3. Barbecued Anything.

Whether it to be pork or chicken, I would recommend saving the baby back ardor for your next summertime cookout or the 4th of July. No one wants to watch you struggle with napkins on the bus or passionately pick ribs apart with your fierce tiger teeth while you’re posted in an airport terminal. Wait for an opportunity where cleanliness isn’t necessarily a priority and the inevitable trail of Hunt’s BBQ sauce that you leave behind won’t stand out so much.

4. Chili.

Dude, I can practically feel the heartburn radiating out of your chest. I think chili’s as tasty as any other cook-off delight, but given that it might attract a variety of attention, all the way from “Can I have some?!” to a snobby “Ewh,” you may find your chili con carne dining experience to be most enjoyable in the comfort of your own home.

5. Burritos/Wraps.

I eat them in public anyway, because they’re yummy and available for purchase just about anywhere. However, I’ve learned to not allow the clean-cut “wrapped” appearance fool me. The second you take a bite out of any folded tortilla, be prepared for shambolic spillage of whatever that wannabe sandwich contains. Unless you’re flaunting a dress of brown napkins, a bean and cheese burrito holds the potential to ruin your day. With that in mind, opt for a meal with cleaner components—and I mean literally cleaner, like not “healthy and vegan” but actually “super easy to pick up/not likely to stain my outfit and look like vomit.”