50 Essentialist Metaphors On Your Favorite Musicians


  1. David Bowie is an eclectic textile store owned by a Muslim a year lease away from burning down the place for insurance.
  2. Drake is the worry that a white guy dating a black woman might have in the hood, and his hair cut is the bodyguard.
  3. Nickelback is rape jizz mixed into baby food.
  4. Janis Joplin is a life-size sculpture of Janis Joplin carved out of a 400 lb. block of the anti-psychotic quetiapine.
  5. Pearl Jam stole your copy of The Portable Thoreau and will not respond to your emails.
  6. Green Day is a liter of Mountain Dew and a Taco Bell run at 1:00 a.m. after learning about Noam Chomsky in community college.
  7. Lorde is a creative-writing workshop that creates only one story: about a vegan cutter who lives 40 minutes from the nearest city.
  8. Leonard Cohen is taking NyQuil and Robitussin at the same time, then surfing soft porn.
  9. Taylor Swift is a 6 ft. tall vulva dipped in pink lacquer with a 40GB USB-stick in her.
  10. Coldplay is U2 playing a free show on a fraternity’s lawn through an eco-conscious compost bin if the Americans lost the Revolutionary War.
  11. Joni Mitchell will die alone.
  12. Sting is a kale smoothie after yoga fourteen days in a row, in a posh London flat, before you commit suicide.
  13. Billy Corgan buys women’s shawls at Anthropologie and pants at Ross.
  14. Lil’ Wayne is a talking turtle inside a petting zoo with 100,000 year old markings on it, which anthropologists find interesting, chewing on a nickel.
  15. Sonic Youth is an expired condom eventually used in a water balloon fight by a celibate who loses that water balloon fight.
  16. Boyz II Men are all dads.
  17. Arcade Fire is drinking Belgian ale at an art reception in Amsterdam before getting phở with all of your attractive friends who all play the tambourine or triangle.
  18. Neil Young is four loads of laundry you don’t have the change for.
  19. Guns n’ Roses is if Baudelaire had four brothers and they all got rim jobs every night, and the sullen monsters that would create.
  20. R.E.M. is moving home after college and trying to be depressed.
  21. MS Word’s spell check destoyed Busta Rhymes’s career so he ended up working at Red Lobster.
  22. Slayer is Louisiana hot sauce inside your urethra instead of on goat stew, because you’re illiterate.
  23. John Cage is at a silent Buddhist retreat and cannot attend this list, but gives us his best regards.
  24. Beyoncé is a De Beers commercial if every camera lens were cracked by that ass.
  25. Bob Dylan is a Republican with lung cancer telling you what’s wrong with this country, subtitled in Spanish, at California’s, Arizona’s, and Texas’s border(s).
  26. Oasis is two decades of child abuse via one crowbar, in a basement, but with a constant morphine drip and ice-cream.
  27. Eric Clapton cries during blowjobs.
  28. Adele is Facebook stalking until 4:00 a.m. photos of women holding slimy blue babies to whom they each gave birth.
  29. Elliott Smith is the prophetic feeling of a knife going into your heart, twice, but with a down blanket on you and raindrops filling a pot placed under a leak.
  30. Limp Bizkit is awful.
  31. Kanye West is spending your entire month’s salary at Mrs. Fields then going on Tinder and rejecting people.
  32. Beck is the Ph.D. in Critical Theory that plagues you as you try to relate to family members who are all fans of Thomas Kinkade.
  33. The Grateful Dead are sharing one enormous carnitas burrito, after which they will go to sleep without brushing their teeth.
  34. Nine Inch Nails is what Batman would resort to doing in a utopian version of Gotham City where everyone went to bed at 10:00 p.m.
  35. The Ramones are inbred cavemen whose publicist was a billion years of evolution plugged into the wall like a teenage girl’s purple hair dryer.
  36. Lana Del Rey is RuPaul after a lobotomy and anal bleaching.
  37. Anthony Kiedis will totally come on your face when you’re sleeping.
  38. Joy Division found their CD at Target and broke up.
  39. Bob Marley is the main commercial street of a college town in whose cafes open mics take place every Tuesday at 7:00 p.m., whose most amateur yet earnest performances are covers of “No woman, No Cry.”
  40. Nirvana is an unchecked book of Basho’s haiku poetry at the library suddenly checked out 100,000 times by financial analysts after Gus Van Sant makes a movie about Basho.
  41. Notorious B.I.G is a bucket of tartar sauce with a gun inside.
  42. Velvet Underground just did drugs. They are in a dark room with one lava lamp. They are all wearing sunglasses. They are really cool.
  43. Radiohead is a television show whose actors play musicians who play notes in the manner of Radiohead in a self-referential MTV reality television show about what happens when pasty white men start acting real.
  44. Rolling Stones are a hotel swimming pool filled with black caviar into which a CEO jumps after having a rack of lamb by himself in the lobby’s 4-star restaurant.
  45. Eminem is the ghost of James Joyce’s aborted twin brother.
  46. Miley Cyrus are herpes sores arranged into a constellation made up of imaginary stars.
  47. Marilyn Manson is a feminist portrayal of a woman’s period that won’t stop bleeding, with the sound of a Cuisinart blender going off on “Pureé.”
  48. Talking Heads is the music for every Nintendo game ever made, and they rip off their masks and turn Japanese, and iTunes charges your credit card $19.98 for their “best of” double album, but your iPod broke because you soaked it in soy sauce and wasabi, and now your haircut is weird.
  49. The Doors is a Comedy Central Roast of Satan, whose final roaster is a fat shirtless man reading romantic poetry over elevator music.
  50. Metallica is flaccid choad headchoading to Metallica.
image – thatspep