50 NSFW Things That (Probably) Happened At Hogwarts That Weren’t Shown In The ‘Harry Potter’ Films

1. All manner of fetish experimentation. Imagine the shit furries would get into with the animagi.

2. I mean at least a few wizard couples probably used a cloning spell to have a threesome without the need of a random third person.

3. Someone definitely used a spell to spy on the girls’ changing rooms.

4. A lot of skirts, a lot of wands, and the first thing they teach you is ‘leviosa’. What could go wrong?

5. I’d imagine some of the wizards looking up porn, then getting a massive flood of messenger owls sending them messages during mail time if they want to increase their dick size. I can imagine them panicking and having no clue how to make it stop.

6. Wild parties where people use magic to ‘undrunk’ themselves so they can drink even more and the insanity that ensues when those spells go wrong.

7. James Potter was the one to pass on the Invisibility Cloak onto Harry. Going off his reputation in the book where he was portrayed as a bad boy rebel teen who was popular amongst his classmates, I think it’d be safe to assume he was DEFINITELY getting some ass back then. It must’ve been so easy for him to be sneaking girls back into his dorm and banging them.

The girls could remain anonymous too because he could sneak them out just as easily as he brought them in. If there ever were an STD outbreak in Hogwarts, I’d definitely put my money on James as the culprit.

It’s not hard to see why a nerd, like Snape (RIP OG), would be mad Lily was hanging with James. Nice guy syndrome anyone?

8. Teenage boys trying to use spells and potions to make their penis bigger and ending up having to go to the Hospital Wing.

9. Couples making an unbreakable vow to stay together and then either being miserable their entire lives or dying 6 months later.

10. It was during the 90’s. Probably a wizard tried to create a Pokemon.

11. Love potions nonchalantly used as either retaliation or to simulate reciprocated feelings. They basically constitute as rescinding consent when imbibed and have disconcerting implications that facilitate rape. It’s not implausible to believe Voldemort’s mother raped his muggle father who was under the influence of her love potion; he’s incapacitated and unable to consent.

12. Finding a really hot picture and jerking off to it, but the person in the picture can see them and can’t do nothin about it.

13. Memory charms to remove memories of bullying, abuse, rape, etc. I can see it being all to tempting for bullies to edit the memories of their victims to avoid punishment. Or kids like Harry modifying their memories to remove the memory of abuse suffered at the hands of parents.

14. The Engorgio charm. Either on boobs or asses.

15. Voyeurism involving the paintings on the walls.

16. You know every year there was that student who refused to follow dress code. Full length robe… don’t shame me… I am going thigh length. Wizard hat on sideways.

17. It’s a school with a hundred ’empty classrooms’ and abandoned spaces with hundreds of horny teens running around. I want to know more about wizard birth control. They’ve gotta have better shit than we do.

18. Lots of loud, angsty music. During Harry’s time at Hogwarts you get the feeling there’d be a constant echo of The Cure drifting through the corridors.

19. I bet they had 1,000 ways to cheat at everything. Senior prank day had to be amazing.

20. FUI – Flying Under Influence.

21. There was definitely a Hogwarts Fight Club. Not just the DA, which was more of a secret self-defense class, but a legit, underground dueling club with betting and shit.

22. Breakups via howler in the dining hall.

23. 13 year old boy waves his wand with a flick of his wrist. TRANSPARENCIO. Girl’s clothes disappear. Complete clusterfuck.

24. Girls masturbating with wands.

25. I’m going with little girls accidentally magically blasting off their vaginas upon getting their first period.

26. Wizard porno magazines that move like the newspapers.

27. An underground bookie system focused on the quidditch games. Maybe even a fantasy league…

28. Prank spells that turned the golden snitch into a winged penis right before the seeker could grab it.

29. The House-Elves all have PTSD from popping in on students having sex or jacking off into their socks, which they know they have to clean afterwards. There’s probably a rotation going on in the elf laundry department where they spin the bottle each day to decide who gets the honor of trying to rinse the jizz-socks.

30. The fashion! You’re telling me there’s at least a thousand kids, most of them with Some connection to the nonmagical world, and nobody tried to sneak muggle accessories onto their uniform? I call bullshit.

31. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fireball shots.

32. Someone probably got hurt sticking a wand in their butt at SOME point in the school’s history.

33. Spell-based STDs that Madam Pomfrey had to reverse, boys turning their penises into elephant trunks and then remembering they had to pee, size changing genitals and breasts, learning how to become an animagus just to jump scare their friends, planting magical nightmares in fellow student’s heads, stealing boggarts and unleashing them in bathrooms or dormitories, sneaking into the Rook of Requirement or Forbidden Forest to have sex (or just go at it in a corner and show up on the Marauder’s Map in the credits of Prisoner of Azkaban), plenty of magical roleplay that would seem very strange to muggles, experimentation with voodoo dolls, and using magic cameras to record underage Wizard sex tapes. All in all, that school had a lot to deal with every year.

34. Imagine potions so you stay up for a month straight, or distending your belly with magic so you could gulp down gallons of butterbeer, or trying to see what the ceiling of a broom ride is. I picture that sort of stuff happens alongside vanishing nightly… ahem messes.

35. I always thought wizard tattoos would be amazing. Moving works of art on you. I’d change them everyday.

36. Pooping on the floor and disappearing it.

37. Wizard drugs. Fred and George were definitely slinging that fairy dust.

38. What exactly was Aberforth doing with those goats? ‘Inappropriate charms’ can mean quite a few things.

39. So many teenage boys being hit with the aguamenti spell because they are refusing to take a shower. (I can kinda see why if you have some perverted ghost living in the showers and bathrooms creeping.)

40. Fetus deletus.

41. Getting really angsty and going for a self-reflective ride on your broom.

42. Girl students can just blatantly steal from boy students since there’s nothing stopping girls from just walking into boy dormitories. The students are grouped by years and have classes in those groups, so an older or younger student would be free to just stroll on in while they’re off in potions and filch shit.

43. People talk about having sex using Polyjuice Potion, and while that’d be creepy, you could also really mess up someone’s life or reputation with it. You could polyjuice into someone you hate and break the rules/commit crimes/just be a dick, and they’d have to deal with the fallout.

44. Considering how many creative ways that us muggles come up with as ways to cheat on our homework or test, I wouldn’t be surprised if wizards come up with some ridiculous ways too. Like an enchanted quill that wrote the answers for you. Or a frog that would ribbit each answer to you and you took a potion that lets you understand frogs for a couple hours. Maybe i go to class early and levitate a mirror above the smart kids desk. These are just off the top of my head.

Also lots of bullying would probably be happening. Whats stopping a bully from turning a nerd into a book and then shoving him in a bookshelf? No one would ever find him. Or a bully that cast a spell that every time you talked to a girl you shit your pants? Again, top of my head

45. Harry and the gang getting high off wizard plant.

46. I’ve always wondered what the limit to magical plastic surgery is. When Hermione had her teeth shrunk, she let Madam Pomfrey not only shrink them back to normal size, she also had them straightened. What is the extent of body modification available to people without having to go to a medical witch or wizard specialist?

47. Given that children as young as 11 are given wands and potion ingredients, there have to be just… SO many weird genital injuries that Madame Pomfrey has to deal with.

48. People using polyjuice potion to see their classmates naked or have sex with celebrities.

49. So many pranks/harassment. When you can jinx somebody from across the room, and make them vomit slugs? That place would be packed full of asshole kids.

50. I would say ‘having sex in poorly concealed places during off hours’, buuuut Snape finds a pair of kids ‘snogging’ in the bushes during the Yule Ball in Goblet of Fire and deducts, like, twenty points each.