55 Real News Headlines That Read Like They’re Straight From The Onion


These really read like they’re straight from The Onion.

1. Lonely Curiosity rover sings ‘Happy Birthday’ to itself on Mars

Source: Washington Post

2. Many Americans have no friends of another race

Source: Bangor Daily News

3. Man jailed for vicious attack on four-year-old boy who sighed during Doctor Who episode

Source: Metro.co.uk

4. Darius Slay thought Lambeau Field was ‘like the car’

Source: NFL.com

5. Syria: Al-Qaeda-linked group forbids Twitter trolls

Source: BBC News

6. Pat Robertson: Murder committed in video games is no different than real life murder

Source: The Raw Story

7. Russian Man Arrested For Stealing Entire Road

Source: Sky News

8. Kenya airport fire first responders looted banks, ABM

Source: CBC News

9. Turkish ministry report suggests psychic assassins using telepathy could be responsible for ‘mysterious’ deaths of four young engineers

Source: The Independent

10. Time Warner CEO: ‘Game Of Thrones’ Setting Piracy Records Is ‘Better Than An Emmy’

Source: Uproxx

11. Believe It Or Not, 2.58 Million People Still Pay For AOL Service

Source: The Consumerist

12. Man wants jogger to stop pooping on his property

Source: NBC 12

13. Popular North Korean Comedienne Sent to Work in Coal Mine Over Slip-up

Source: Radio Free Asia

14. Al Roker oversleeps, misses early show

Source: USA Today

15. Hipsters are killing American razor sales

Source: MSN Money

16. Costa Rica To Close Its Zoos And Release Animals Into The Wild

Source: Popsci

17. NY man tried to sell date’s baby online, police say

Source: MyNews3

18. Andy Warhol’s grave is now streaming online 24/7

Source: The Verge

19. LinkedIn pulls tech company ads over complaints women engineer was too attractive

Source: The Raw Story

20. Virginia moves forward with plan to sell air

Source: WTOP

21. Bradford City mascot steps down as he is no longer fat enough

Source: The Guardian

22. Rob Zombie complains of skate park noise in Connecticut

Source: The Norwich Bulletin

23. Anger Management: Over 33 Percent of Americans Verbally or Physically Abuse Their Computers

Source: Hot Hardware

24. Online trolls goading commenters into angry off-topic dialogue

Source: The Star

25. Republicans Won’t Stop Trying to Name Ocean Waters After Ronald Reagan

Source: Mother Jones

26. Children given lifelong ban on talking about fracking

Source: The Guardian

27. Brilliant Idea: Smartphone “Game” Challenges You To Throw Your Phone As High As Possible

Source: OhGizmo!

28. ‘I ❤ Head’ Campaign Signs Being Stolen in Phoenix

Source: Crooks&Liars

29. At ‘Hunger Games’ camp, children want to fight to the ‘death’

Source: Tampa Bay Times

30. Scientists to begin making super strains of H7N9 bird flu, funded in part by US government

Source: The Verge

31. Zoo keeper suspended after allegedly punching a seal

Source: itv

32. Colorado voters will decide whether to issue drone-hunting licenses

Source: NY Daily News

33. Deputies: Men making meth claim to be looking for ghosts

Source: WECT

34. Pastor FIRED For Attending Rick Ross Concert

Source: ATL Night Spots

35. UK teen crowned world Microsoft Word 2007 champion

Source: BBC News

36. Man saves dog from drowning, then wife

Source: News24

37. Couple takes wrong car home from grocery store

Source: KVUE

38. Chinese tourists appall North Koreans by throwing candy at their kids

Source: qz

39. Rep. Ted Yoho: Tanning tax is a racist tax — against white people

Source: Washington Post

40. In Seattle, the terms ‘citizen’ and ‘brown bag’ are now offensive

Source: UPI

41. Chris Rock gave terminally ill teen a copy of Pamela Anderson’s sex tape

Source: news.com.au

42. Stephen King’s latest horror tale: The future of the global economy

Source: Washington Post

43. Woman tries to buy Apple phones online, pays $1200 for fruit

Source: Hindustan Times

44. Lab-grown burger tasted at event in London, said to require ketchup

Source: engadget

45. ‘You’re In Louisiana!’: Rick Perry Corrected By Crowd After Saying He’s In Florida

Source: mediaite

46. Korean woman fails driving test in seven seconds

Source: Herald Sun

47. Anthony Weiner attacked by goat

Source: Salon

48. 4-Year-Old Re-Elected ‘Mayor’ Of Minnesota Town

Source: NPR

49. Cardboard officer cuts crime at Mass. subway stop

Source: Boston.com

50. 13 Wisconsin officials raid animal shelter to kill baby deer named Giggles

Source: Washington Times

51. Tim Allen demands to use the n-word

Source: The Guardian

52. Justin Bieber shoves fan’s iPhone down his pants onstage during concert

Source: NY Daily News

53. Prosecutors: Deputy pepper-sprayed teen’s pizza

Source: philly.com

54. Man Shot Trying to Stop Friend from Driving Drunk

Source: Fox 8

55. Kenyan lawyer suing Israel for killing Jesus

Source: Red Alert Politics

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image – SoraZG