6 Important Things To Know If You’re Dating An INTJ


I’m a proud Myers-Briggs INTJ: “one of the rarest and most strategically capable personality types,” according to personality test provider 16personalities. The 2 percent of the population with this personality type are known for their “relentless intellectualism and chess-like maneuvering.”

To break it down by letter, we’re introverted (preferring to keep to ourselves), intuiting (focsed on thoughts and ideas more than facts and experiences), thinking (more logical than emotional), and judging (organized and goal-oriented). So, what does this mean for the people around us?

A relationship with an INTJ can be a puzzle as well as a profound journey of self-discovery. Here are some facts about INTJs that you should know before dating us:

1. We need a lot of encouragement before making the first move.

We get stuck in our own heads, considering all the possible messages you could be trying to send us. So, when we’re at the movies, our internal dialog may sound like this: “Did he put his hand on the armrest between us because he wants to hold my hand? Or does he just not have enough space for his arm?”

Or, if someone pays for dinner, we may be thinking: “Does this make it a date? Or is he just being nice?” See what I mean? Subtle cues don’t really do it for us. If you want to convey that you like us, you may have to just come out and say it.

2. We plan. Obsessively.

Do NOT try to play our dates by ear. We find this maddening. When you say that you can maybe hang out Thursday, what you may not realize is that we’re busy booking up Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday to reserve Thursday for you. If you then decide on Wednesday night that Friday is actually better, you’re out of luck — and in hot water.

3. We become viscerally angry when you’re illogical.

We just can’t with those stream-of-consciousness arguments where you say the next thing that comes to mind without making any coherent point. The fact that you feel something doesn’t make it true. We’d honestly rather you say something hurtful but true than something that makes no sense whatsoever.

4. We LOATHE small talk.

INTJs want to get to the bottom of everything. The way we see it, there are too many unanswered questions in the universe to waste time. We don’t want to spend our dates talking about the weather or what we did last weekend — unless what we did last weekend was read a life-changing book or attend a philosophy conference.

5. We view sex as a mental act.

Since we can’t get out of our own heads, we figure we’d might as well take them with us wherever we go — even into the bedroom. This generally means we’re not satisfied with a basic “wham, bam, thank you ma’am.”

We need an emotional connection and enjoy experimentation, dirty talk, and anything else that keeps us in the moment so we don’t get lost in our own unrelated thoughts.

6. We feel far more than we express.

After a guy I dated in college broke it off after two months, I was heartbroken. When he asked my friend why I didn’t talk to him anymore, she said it was because he really hurt me. He was shocked; he had no idea I felt that deeply.

Since INTJs aren’t the type to shower people with affection, we may unintentionally let on that you’re not that important to us. Don’t be fooled. If you start to doubt our interest, open up about your own feelings, and we may reciprocate them more than you realize.