6 Signs You’ve Actually Never Kissed While Sober


1. Kissing sober would imply you’ve had a significant other (non-feline, that is). But like, where do you even find one? Can’t just pick it up at a Costco.

2. The mere thought of meeting lips with someone without the liquid courage terrifies you. Because then the intimacy, or lack thereof, is raw and something you can’t chalk it up to jagerbombs the morning after. No, you’re not an alcoholic or a cynic of love. You simply aren’t brave enough to let yourself get there organically.

3. You don’t actually know what you’re doing. Passion is supposed to guide you, but vodka runs a satisfactory record of doing the trick. You’ve never had to consciously process the logistics of your mouth interlocking with another. God forbid the time comes to lock lips sans the bravery boost, you’ll be fumbling for a manual. 

4. When friends talk fancy about that one kiss that were right amounts of gentle and forceful but unfailingly captivating whilst conveniently in the rain and all else Disney has manufactured, you reflect on the time some dude across the club slobbered on your face and proceeded to badger for your digits in what will be a one-way conversation the next morning. 

5. You never had to evaluate how that tuna fish sandwich will reduce to bad breath and purposefully arm yourself with Altoids. Drunk kissing means the strong fiery mask of alcohol has got you. 

6. Truth is, there was never one that was meaningful beyond the night. The kind of meaningful that designs its own magic effortlessly. The kind that demands your full presence in the moment. This is the dangerous kind. This is the hallmark of a something more. The genuity is not measured in skill – it could be sloppy or preluded with cheese, but somehow flawless and electrifying. 

And you know, someday, someone is going to kiss you with the determination of filling you with right. The thrill of anticipation will kill you first, your eyes will lock second, the lean third, and the kiss will come not just for the lips, but captured by the whole body. It will leave you tangled physically and emotionally.

But hey, for now, it’s all fun games and good placeholders. Enjoy it.