6 Steps To Becoming A Facebook Philosopher

If years were roads, 2015 would be the equivalent of driving the Pacific Coast Highway on coke: exhilarating, breathtaking, and shit-your-pants terrifying all at once. It’s not hard to pinpoint the source of 2015’s insanity: The social landscape of the United States (and elsewhere) is shifting so quickly that the highest highs and the lowest lows damn near collide with each other. 2014’s idea of news in equality, discrimination, and politics is 2015’s Tuesday.

Of course, gay marriage and Confederate flags and wig-wearing professors are going to leave us, the Great American Public, in a frenzy. We have thoughts. Opinions. Raw emotions. It’s only natural that we’d want to share our thoughts in a public forum.

Enter Facebook. Until recently, Facebook was slowly devolving into the Internet equivalent of that high school friend you contact out of obligation, share a drink with, and ditch after exactly an hour because Pretty Little Liars is on. Scrolling through your newsfeed almost became a chore. Then a miracle happened. Lengthy socially charged posts began appearing, sandwiched between engagement photos and memes posted by your mom. The influx of mini think pieces did the impossible. Facebook rose from the ashes, a magnificent if slightly wordy phoenix.

Now that humblebragging posts and sorority squat photos are no longer in vogue, you’re probably considering jumping on the Facebook think piece train. And as you did with your first selfie, you may have your doubts. What if I sound unintelligent? you may ask. What if I get less than 50 likes on the post? Fear not. I have streamlined the post-writing process to make any Facebook user look like an experienced Facebook philosopher. Simply follow the steps outlined below:

Step 1: Consider your tone.

Experienced Facebook philosophers know that an even, measured post will bore their readers. Instead, choose a more aggressive tone as it will make you seem more informed and passionate.

Step 2: Line up.

A high word count isn’t just for college essays. The more words (and therefore lines) you have in your post, the more valid your argument is. Your post should take at least six seconds to scroll past on mobile.

Step 3: Adjectives, adjectives, adjectives!

Every good Facebook philosopher peppers his or her think piece with a healthy dose of adjectives. Options like “dehumanizing” and “unconscionable” encourage Facebook friends to like your post for fear of looking stupid or cruel if they don’t.

Step 4: Publish it.

Sit back while rubbing your hands together for extra effect.

Step 5: Don’t take anybody’s shit.

This is by far the most important step. You need to absolutely skewer anybody who replies to your post with a comment bearing even the slightest trace of disagreement. Allowing Facebook friends to debate your thoughts detracts from your credibility as a thinker. As such, be as vicious as possible. Name-calling is acceptable, if not recommended.

Step 6: Watch the “likes” roll in.

You’ve worked hard for social justice today. God bless the old-fashioned souls still posting selfies.

And just like that, you’re done! Congratulations, you’re a modern Facebook philosopher joyriding through 2015. With a little more practice, you may even find that you evolve to bitch about Facebook itself in full-length posts like yours truly. And so I leave you with this: May your posts always receive 50 likes or more and may your friends list be fruitful and multiply (with like-minded individuals, of course).