6 Things Girls Do That I Don’t Understand

I know guys pretty well, seeing as I’ve been one for 28 years, and I’ve already told you the 7 Things Guys Do That Make Me Embarrassed To Be One. I also like to imagine that I know girls better than most guys do, even though that may just be my own brand of arrogance. Even though I lack the necessary hardware to know what it feels like to be a woman, I can at least try to see things from a feminine perspective. I’m a firm believer in looking at things from someone else’s viewpoint. Despite my best efforts, there are some things girls do that I just don’t understand. Not all girls do all of these things, and many do none, but I just don’t get them.

6. The Super-Exaggerated And Fake “Hello”

You see a girl from across the room. You don’t like her. She doesn’t like you. You know she doesn’t like you. She knows you don’t like her. Yet you both make a huge fucking deal about how happy you are to see each other, how long it’s been, et cetera. What? Why go through the charade? I understand trying to be gracious in a social situation. I understand ignoring your dislike for someone just for the sake of politeness. I don’t understand why you have to be so over the top about it. It’s like a weird competition to see who can spite the other by being the nicest. Why is a joint head nod acknowledging that you both see each other as insufficient? What is the point? Is there a winner? What happens to the loser? It just makes all participants look fake and disingenuous.

5. Lying About Your Interests To Guys

This is a terrible move for so many reasons. You like a guy. You want the guy to like you. You think the best way to do that is to make him think that you like the same things that you do regardless of whether you do or not. There is no possible way that this will end well. To begin with, that guy is going to assume that you actually do like those things, and he will attempt to get you to participate. If you don’t want to spend approximately 20 Sundays a year watching football, don’t tell a guy that you watch football every Sunday. If you think the idea of spending three days in a tent reeking of marijuana and sweat is revolting, don’t say that you love going to music festivals. Why make yourself suffer? Even worse, any connection that you are hoping to make with this guy will be based on false pretenses. Even if he falls completely in love with you, he won’t actually be in love with you. He’ll be in love with the person that you represented yourself to be. If he wants to be with someone with whom he can share whatever interest and you don’t share that interest, you’re not the person he wants to be with.

4. Saying That You’re “Not A Feminist”

Do you know what a feminist is? It is someone who believes that women are fundamentally equal to and as worthy of rights and respect as men. When you say that you are “not a feminist,” you are thereby saying that you do not believe that women are fundamentally equal and as worthy of rights and respect as men. That is unbelievably ridiculous coming from a man, but I don’t even think there is an appropriate adjective in the English language that adequately describes how colossally insane it sounds coming from a woman. Do you not want to have the freedom to choose how to live your own life? Do you want others to dictate whom you should be and what your value is? If so, you are probably not a feminist. I understand that there is a small and very vocal subset of women who define feminism in a very narrow and constricting way and essentially shame any woman who does not fit into their narrow mold of what a woman should be. I understand that you do not wish to associate with them. That absolutely does not mean that you should reject the basic principles of feminism. If anything, you should loudly proclaim that you are also a feminist and that you are living your life in the way that you want.

3. Thinking That Trying To Get A Guy Into A Relationship With You Is Any Different From A Guy Trying To Get You To Sleep With Him

Yes, those are substantially different things on the surface, but hear me out. You have a goal. He has a goal. The goals may be different, but you are both still using someone else to get what you want, regardless of their feelings on the matter. He wants what he wants, and you want what you want. Guys are biologically driven to reproduce with as many women as possible. Girls are biologically driven to seek longer-term relationships with a small number of “high-value” men. Both drives are entirely logical from a natural perspective, given the respective reproductive capabilities and limitations of the two sexes. While both strategies make perfect sense in a hypothetical setting, they can also both wreak emotional hardship and pain when applied in the real world. Just don’t pretend that your ulterior motive is any better or different than someone else’s.

2. Saying “Slut” When You Mean “Bitch”

“Slut” has a specific connotation. It implies that a woman easily engages in sexual activity with men. When you use the term slut to degrade another woman, you are implying that a woman who engages in sexual activity with men is to be degraded. You are implying that female sexuality is to be controlled and guarded rather than celebrated and enjoyed. You are effectively shaming female sexuality. That doesn’t mean that you can’t take out your frustration on a girl who is just the worst, however, because some girls just suck. Luckily, there is a handy-dandy curse word just for you, one that expresses how unpleasant a woman is without turning you into a slut-shamer. The word you are looking for is the ever-delightful “bitch.” The boy you have a crush on thinks she’s hot? She’s a total bitch. She got the job that you interviewed for? Definitely a raging bitch. She fucked up the coffee? She is the bitchiest bitch in the history of bitches. Doesn’t that just feel more liberated than “slut”?

1. Pretending To Be Dumb In Front Of Guys When You Are Actually Smart

This is perhaps my biggest pet peeve in life. I know that you are a very bright girl. We’ve had thought-provoking and engaging conversations. You’re a great student or a successful career woman. You know about politics and art. Then when you start flirting, you act like a seven-year-old who rides the short bus to school. Yuck. Why would you do this? There are only three possible outcomes, none of which seems appealing to me. If the guy actually wants to be with a stupid girl because he thinks that they are more easily manipulated or he doesn’t care that you’re stupid because he only wants to bang you and move on, he is a huge asshole, and you shouldn’t be with him. If he doesn’t notice you’re acting stupid because he is stupid himself, then he is not going to be your intellectual equal and you shouldn’t be with him. If he is turned off by you acting stupid because he values intelligence, then you have lost out on a rare guy who is actually worth having.