6 Things I Haven’t Learned At 25


1. How to wear my hair in a cute and professional way. Half the time my hair is thrown up into a Liz Lemon-type chip clip. The other half of the time my entire right eye is covered by the swoop endowed to me by my parental hair-genes. I think it would technically be illegal for me to drive a car. Which brings me to my next point.

2. How to drive a car. I have an endless amount of stock-excuses for why I haven’t learned how to drive a car, but what it comes down to is: I’m lazy and I’m scared. I have recurring nightmares about being at the helm of the wheel and not knowing what to do. But I also have recurring nightmares about Jeff Goldblum. So.

3. How to do my taxes. Income taxes and property taxes and deficits and fiscal doodads and forms and payrolls and is Feudalism still a thing? Uhhh fuck me.

4. How to cook one great meal. Is dill pickle popcorn a food group?

5. How to choose a good wine. The man at the wine store tried to get into a lengthy conversation about wines with me. When he asked me what kind I preferred I responded, “white and cold.” He just walked away.

6. How to avoid a hangover. This one’s tricky since the only way to avoid a hangover is to bleed a hundred 19-year-olds and bath in their sweet, sweet youth. No, but seriously, when did hangovers get so bad?

If you’re a 25-year-old who can pay your taxes, make a frittata, and don’t wake up screaming because you had another dream about Seth Brundle chasing you, then congratulations. You’re killin’ it.