6 Things I’ve Learned From Loving My Friends So Hard


I friend and love hard.

It’s like a switch.

Once I assess or you prove you’re gold, I’m on and in 110% as opposed to the only other option for me: off or 0% (though I’m kind to all, it’s very evident where I invest my time and attention). Obviously something I’ve come to accept over the years is: while I friend and love auto at 110%, other people’s 100% is my 75%. Which is normal and okay. That I have accepted. I think. I know now I expect it, at least.

Now, like most people, while I like to think that I’m this tough, resilient person, I’ve had a challenge in my personal life and that has been being able to adjust to the thought that “people in your life are seasons.” Like that David Jones quote goes – “it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.”

One reason that has made sense is that I’m a Scorpio. Scorpios are sensitive and they form ethereal ties with people. We like to merge with others. This is me. I highly value when a friend decides to confide in me, spend time with me or share something with me. I fantasize about what it’ll be like to have my future fiance or husband’s family as my own second family more than what my wedding will be like.

I remember after graduation and four years of living at college, I drove home with all of my belongings in the car and was sobbing. I knew life wouldn’t be the same. I knew my friendships with my tight group of 10 would evolve. After my Masters graduation, I found myself for the first time ever not being enrolled in school. School was what grounded me and what I excelled at. The months that followed were a tough transition.

In a whirlwind earlier this year, I found myself dating someone for a relatively short amount of time but it seemed much longer. Despite my walls, my shampoo and conditioner ended up at the house he owned in Jersey. I locked up his NYC apartment on my way to work. Turns out, despite having an amazing time and the relationship showing me what I am looking for, it was clear he wasn’t for me. After it was over, it still took me a few weeks to accept that.

All of the above are examples of one of my weaknesses and, believe it or not, I’ve made some strides.

I’ve realized 6 key things:

1. The ego is not your amigo. The reason why we hold onto people is based in fear. Partly, our desire to control them or an outcome. For example, we want them in our lives or we want them to have the same relationship with us forever. It’s pretty selfish if you think about it. I’ve learned (through following Gabrielle Bernstein) that at any moment we are acting based off of fear or love. If we love ourselves and find love for the other person, we can accept that they need to follow their path. They need to be who they need to be. And we need to be who we need to be.

2. That rule “treat people the way you want to be treated” is kind of skewed. I think “treat people the way they want to be treated” is more accurate. Now, I don’t think I’ll ever stop being a giver or lover. What I mean by that is – I can’t expect people to treat me the way I want to be treated because some people just don’t friend or love in the way that I do. I don’t think everyone will treat me with the 110%-perspective I have. I simply can’t expect that.

3. FACT: You evolve. Other people evolve. This is life. People you care about, love, wish the best for – might not always be in arms reach. Some people evolve with you and other people evolve apart. And this is okay. And this is right. We simply can’t mess with it. If we do, we are trying to mess with our own fate and theirs. We’ll always lose.

4. Value the people who have consistently been in your life and who choose to continue to show up for you. These people are truly gold. I don’t know what I’d do without them. They give me faith in humanity.

5. Everyone has a lesson. I firmly believe that each person who comes our way for a brief or long period of time is there to teach you something. We evolve through relationships and it goes both ways. Sometimes we’ll give more. Sometimes we’ll receive more. Perhaps people are there to catalyze something in you that would have never manifested without them.

6. TRUST in the bigger plan. People are in your life or out of your life for a reason. You have a purpose and that involves the individuals you are surrounded with. Trust that one day you’ll be able to look back and connect the dots.