60 Jobs I Can Do While Wearing Jorts


This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t looking for love. But that’s when it hits you. Love is the friend you overlook, until one day something changes — and then everything is magic. That’s how it is with my jean shorts.

I didn’t think I would fall for these jean shorts the way that I have, which is hard. I just really care about them and not because of the way they look. You don’t need to see my jean shorts, so don’t ask, okay? This is a conceptual, relentless, to-the-core kind of love. This love is a contact lens; I need it every day of the week.

I want to stress that how they look is not important, at all. I mean don’t worry about it; they are doing fine. However, you wouldn’t be able to see why I love them merely by using your eyes. They look like any pair, like every pair.

Like all the best movies, they are not too short (Tobias Fünke), nor too long (90s Sk8r boys). Like all the best American flags, they are not too faded nor too ripped. Like all the best Canadian tuxedos, they are made from denim. These shorts are a real pair of actual shorts, but also, in a way, they represent every pair of denim shorts that anyone’s ever loved, or will love.

The thing that makes this pair so special to me is the way they feel. The comfort they provide to my leg area is nothing short of transformative — likely because they underwent their own transformation. They were something old, a pair of my jeans that I never wore.  Then they became something new and wonderful that I don’t want to remove from my body. As a queer woman, I can confidently say that these shorts are literally the greatest achievement that’s ever been produced from scissoring.

This is the closest I will ever get to being a surgeon. I cut up something that wasn’t working and made it a million times better. You know the old saying? “Stop! It’s the motherf-cking remix!” Well, Lil’ Jon was talking about these jean shorts.

Don’t worry my head is not in the clouds. I am planning for the future, with my jean shorts. In fact, I am now beginning a list of career-choices. I need jobs and/or activities in which I can exclusively wear jean shorts — things that are not illegal or gross. Some of them are things I have seen people doing wearing jean shorts, some of them are things I feel I in particular could do well in jean shorts, and some of them I have never actually seen anyone do, therefore there’s really no wardrobe precedent that I’m obliged to follow. Feel free to contribute.

The Short List

  1. News Anchor
  2. Judge
  3. Telethon phone answerer
  4. Really, anything with a desk
  5. Roller-skating waitress
  6. Marathoner from the 1960s
  7. Fix-it person
  8. Hop Scotch referee
  9. Town Crier
  10. Rib shack bartender
  11. Internet maker (I’m not sure if that’s hyphenated, so I’m just going to leave it like that)
  12. Door-to-door jean shorts salesman
  13. Construction worker from the Village People
  14. Craft village employee
  15. Associate Dean (Using the standards set by NBC’s Community)
  16. Doll repair
  17. Fence-painter
  18. Head fashionista
  19. Production assistant
  20. Recycling center night watchman
  21. Deep-stretching trainer
  22. Coin-collector aficionado (I will memorize all the greatest coin-collectors)
  23. Vegan baker
  24. Drive-in movie concession stand cashier
  25. Long hauler
  26. Mustache whisperer
  27. Dogcatcher (I know this is an elected office, but still)
  28. Something with smoothies
  29. Manual shrub trimming (You need pants to safely run most other landscaping equipment)
  30. Rabblerouser
  31. Stand-in for a pool boy character on a movie set
  32. Whale psychiatrist
  33. Candy person
  34. All-Purpose Attendant
  35. Outdoor card shark
  36. Party promoter
  37. Professional high-fiver
  38. Grape-feeder for a Pharaoh (or just anyone who wants to look hot by being fed grapes)
  39. Van driver
  40. Barnacle scraper
  41. Shakespeare in the Park ticket line place-holder
  42. Low-impact gardener
  43. SAT tutor
  44. Toilet tester
  45. Firestarter
  46. Assistant herder (Herding personal assistants or assisting a shepherd’s dog, whichever has the best 401k)
  47. Ice cream truck driver
  48. Remote control finder
  49. Donald Faison’s Liaison
  50. Rock band namer
  51. Paralegal (At a really, really cool firm)
  52. Theme party cater waiter
  53. 1920s farmhand
  54. 1980s exercise class instructor
  55. Eraser clapper (This would be hell on my chalk dust allergy, but sacrifices must be made)
  56. Freelance accountant
  57. Soda jerk
  58. Tungsten trader
  59. Cutting out magazine pictures for design stores to use in photo frames, or for the Teenage Girl Collage Market
  60. Notary

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