62 Thoughts Everyone Has When Someone You Used To Sleep With Messages Out Of Nowhere


1. What a beautiful day today.

2. Wait, what number is this? Who is messaging me?

3. Let’s open it and see.

4. “Hey.”

5. All you can say is “hey”? I don’t have a clue who this is.

6. What area code is this? Let me Google it and see.

7. “Hi, who is this! I lost my phone and lost all my contacts.”

8. Obviously this is a lie.

9. “Jim.”

10. Then he sends a dick pic followed by a selfie of him in the bathroom mirror.

11. OH JIM.

12. “Oh, hey!”

13. I should have just stopped right there. There’s a reason I deleted him from my phone.

14. “What are u up 2?”

15. Nobody messages you out of nowhere after months and is suddenly really curious about your well-being. This is a booty text.

16. “Just taking the subway home from work. How have you been?”

17. Obviously he ignores the question and dives straight in.

18. “My girlfriend is gone for ten days. Wondering if you’re free.”

19. If I was single I would totally meet up with him — huge cock — but I’ve been seeing someone for a year now and it’s going really well.

20. I mean he does have a huge cock…

21. “Naah, I’m seeing someone now. Sorry.”

22. “He doesn’t have to know ;)” Ah, yes: the textual-wink-innuendo.

23. True, but I just don’t want to put that kind of karma out there.

24. “Sorry, can’t. See you later!”

25. He doesn’t text back.

26. I don’t care. I deleted his number the first time because he gave me an STD. I’m fine now.

27. Wondering how many people in his sex rolodex he’s messaging at the same time?

28. Should I say something to my boyfriend about this later?

29. If I knew he was still sexting or sleeping with people he used to sleep with, or anybody else for that matter, I’d be really hurt.

30. Better delete this message trail so boyfriend doesn’t accidentally see it and make something of nothing.

31. Just hanging out at home watching a movie with my boyfriend.

32. Man he is so hot. I can’t wait to suck his cock later.

33. New Message notification on my Mac.


35. Oh fuck.

36. I can’t believe this.

37. Actually, why did I put him in my address book as Ben Big D Tinder?

38. What was I thinking?

39. I mean I know a ton of Ben’s but only one Ben with a huge penis so I had to clarify I guess.

40. Face palm.

41. “Hey want to come over?”

42. “I miss having you around.”

43. Face palm.

42. Body pic 1

44. Body pic 2.


46. Boyfriend looks away in silence, pretends not to notice.

47. My heart is pounding so hard.

48. What do I say?

49. I haven’t seen Ben Big D Tinder in forever, I don’t know why he’s suddenly messaging me now.

50. Everyone has a sexual past but my boyfriend and I haven’t really talked about ours. Is that something couples are supposed to talk about?

51. Now my sexual past is sending me dick pics and iMessages.

52. I’m not embarrassed that I used to have sex with people. I’m mad that all these messages are pouring in right now from someone I haven’t seen in ages making me look guilty.

53. That’s what I tell my boyfriend. I tell him he has nothing to worry about.

54. I hope he believes me but now I can’t help but think that now he’s worried I’ve been cheating on him with Ben Big D Tinder when I haven’t been with anyone else but him.

55. It’s like, as soon as we became official or whatevs I stopped sexting other guys and cut off communication with the people I was sleeping with.

56. It’s the right thing to do.

57. I hope we can move past this. No sense in making something huge out of nothing.

58. Actually, I wonder if my boyfriend has any sexts or booty texts from people he used to bone.

59. I ask him.

60. “No.”

61. I don’t believe him. Everybody sexts. All we can both do now is trust one another.

62. Damn. Sometimes the ghosts of your sexual past show up out of nowhere and ruin everything.