7 Birth Control Methods And What They Would Be Like As Boyfriends


I would argue that the most intimate relationship a woman has is not with her significant other, but with her birth control method. We spend a lot of time thinking about, choosing, and dedicating ourselves to these things, just like we do with our relationships. But just like any relationship, these bonds are sometimes emotionally trying, inconsistent, and terrifying. Here’s what some birth control methods would be like if they were your boyfriend.

1. The Condom: The Boyfriend Who’s Never There When You Need Him

He’s flaky and takes 2 hours to text you back. Every. Damn. Time. He’s always around during the times that you actually need him to get lost: finals, when you’re with your parents, whenever your friends want to have a girls night. You appreciate his existence and what he does for you, but you don’t get why he has to be so annoying and inconsistent. Whenever you really, truly need him to be there, he is just slightly out of reach. Oh, and sometimes he makes your room smell like latex.

2. The Female Condom: The Boyfriend Who Makes You Make All The Decisions

“I have no preference” should be this dude’s middle name. The simple questions like “what do you want to do for dinner?” or “should we get beer?” questions always provoke the same answer: nothing. No preference. No choices. No help. It’s all you all the time, girl. Do you. Literally.

3. The Pill (Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo): The Nice Boyfriend Who You Treat Like Shit

He really means well. He’s perfectly nice, well-mannered, and consistent, so long as you see him regularly. But when you don’t get a dose of him every day, you kind of forget that he exists and you miss the days when he wasn’t around, when you didn’t have to worry about inviting him to the party. He’s helpful yet bland, like plain yogurt, oatmeal, or anything else that’s good for you yet entirely forgettable.

4. The Pill (Yaz): The Emotionally Abusive Boyfriend You Just Can’t Quit

This boyfriend is the one who you always tell “crazy ex” stories about. He’s like a drug that you need every day that’s ruining your goddamned life, just like that one Ke$ha song. Or every Ke$ha song ever recorded, really. He makes you cry on a regular basis. You fight with your family and friends because you want to keep him around even though they all tell you that you turned into big insane crying lady when he came into your life. You’re so stressed out over the entire thing that you actually feel like you’re getting an ulcer…or a blood clot.

5. The IUD: The Future DILF Boyfriend You Wanna Marry

You think about marrying this guy every time you see him play with a puppy, hold a baby, or wear a particularly nice suit. You’re committed. This guy is husband and future DILF prime real estate. He has no negative effects on your life either, unless you count when you guys first started having sex, because it was initially a little painful. What can you say? He’s got it all, but you think you would love him even if he didn’t. You could see yourself staying with this guy for a long time. Well, you’re at least in this for a couple years, you know that much.

6. Nuvaring:  The Boyfriend Who’s Sweet, But Texts You Way Too Much

He has a job, a life, great friends, and he treats you well. He gives you everything you need. But you can’t help feeling like he’s a little bit…invasive. He texts you constantly. You feel like he’s inserted himself into every part of your life. It’s like even when he’s not there, you can just feel his presence. It’s like he’s inside your head…or like posted up by your cervix or something.

7. Abstinence: The Boring Boyfriend Who All Your Friends Are Tired Of Hearing About

Everyone is sick of hearing about this guy. He’s old news. He’s not that fun and he kind of brings everyone down anyway, especially when you bring him up at parties and talk about him like he’s the greatest thing of all time, as if he’s the solution to all of your problems. He’s just one of many ways to live your life. There are a lot of people who don’t think he’s as perfect as you think he is. He’s just not for everyone, girl. Deal with it.