7 First Date Hacks

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1. Remove all the weird shit from your bag/pockets.

Nothing says ‘TAKE ME NOW’ quite like a strayed afro-ed Tampax or a KFC wet wipe. Hear that? That’s the sound of my ladyboner dying when a condom catapults out of your wallet as you reach for our movie tickets. Condoms are probably the strangest thing to encounter outside of context.

2. Meet at 3pm.

If it’s terrible and you bail after an hour, you would have had lunch and dinner at your home so techhhhnically, the date really never happened. If you’re having a ball, the 3pm date enables you to extend the date in to dinner, or if it blows, commence drinking sans societal judgement.

3. Outsource the Initial FaceStalk.

I agreed to go for a beer with a buddy’s buddy. A quick scan of his Facebook page revealed that my blind date had a penchant for cargo pants. The variety with a million fucking pockets. And you know those leather tribal white boy necklaces we all wish would just go and die? Don’t make me say it. Poor ole’ Bare Grills walked straight in to NOPETOWN. Now, I have a girlfriend do the Facebook assessment and alert me if there is something legitimately alarming so I don’t get hung up pre-date.

4. Put it on The Board.

The Board is a whiteboard database of names, numbers and locations of all of your dates. It sounds pedantic but can you imagine that phone call from your roommate’s mother? “Yeah she went out with Red… had an awesome beard… Red Beard?” Additionally, it’s a great ice-breaker if you invite them in “You made our potential serial killer list –see – isn’t that HILARIOUS!”

5. Go to a bar where you know the bartender.

‘Cause it makes you look pimp, that’s why.

6. Say just one thing that you probably shouldn’t say.

Embrace that millisecond where you blurt out something naff because somehow you’ve forgotten that your date isn’t your best pal. Hi, I’m an awkward hot mess, just like you’re pretending not to be; accidentally honesty is endearing. Once, a first date texted me: “Sorry I’m delayed 10 minutes. Had to find clean shirt/wash balls.” Marry me. Disclaimer: 99% of the time this hack will ruin you.

7. Fix the bill when your date is in the bathroom.

You know that disingenuous verbal tug of war “No I’ll pay! No I’ll pay!” where your server silently wishes death upon you both? It can be avoided! Hooray! Man or woman, if you’ve invited someone to dinner – pay for their goddamn food. To quote Gretchen Wieners: that’s just like the rules of feminism.