7 Life Problems You Blame On The Holidays (That Are Actually All Your Fault)

1) Weight gain

Sure, there are an abundance of caloric cocktails and frosted sweets during the holiday season, but the reality of it is that there are bad dietary decisions to be made all year long. Summer has tropical vodka punches and gelato. Fall is basically three months of 24/7 candy and pie. You got Peeps falling out ya ass and pastel macaroons for days in the spring. Winter/”the holiday season” isn’t the reason your jeans don’t fit, it’s because you WANNA hunker down and stuff your face while watching A Christmas Story and that’s okay!

2) Drinking

Okay, mom. It’s actually not “Christmas next week”, it’s December 4th. And even if it were Christmas next week, that’d be the week before Christmas and it still would be completely inappropriate to have polished off your first bottle of Pinot by 9:45 AM.

3) Break ups

I’m sorry that you’re going to be single this holiday season, I’ve been there. But face it: The holidays weren’t why you broke up, they were just the reason to get the inevitable over with. If your relationship wasn’t going to survive whatever petty drama the season promised for you and your partner, than it wasn’t something that was going to survive to begin with.

4) Being broke

There are so many creative gift options (not to mention “people on a major budget”) that there’s no reason to go into debt trying to buy everyone in your life something special for Christmas. Either you’re buying for too many (honestly—there are probably three or less people that REALLY expect you to get them a gift—no one cares about you) or you’re spending like a goddamn fool. Just buy $50 pet portraits on Etsy for your two best friends or something, jeez.

5) Flaking on plans

Oh, so you can’t come to my birthday on January 10TH because you’re still out of town from New Years? And you can’t do dinner next Wednesday because your office is doing it’s first Secret Santa in a series of three Secret Santas? Are you people fucking mental?

6) Being lonely

No, no, hon. The holidays don’t make you feel lonely, you’re lonely all the time and the holidays just point out how completely crippling it is.

7) Unpredictable work hours

Between your parties and your pageants and your obligations down at the Church, I’m not sure why I pay you to handle my accounting, Melba. Kind of feels like I might as well take my money and burn it in a goddamn trashcan between December 20th and January 5th this year.