7 Reasons Scientology Is Great

HBO’s new documentary Going Clear is getting a lot of attention for it’s anti-Scientology stance, but there’s more to the story then meets the eye.

1. It’s more American than Christianity. Scientology was started by Americans, for Americans, and on American principles of capitalism, real estate investment, and complete ignorance about medical establishments and mental illness. These colors don’t run, baby.

2. It teaches children the value of a hard days work. The rise of the millennial generation has seen the youth of today push the boundaries of entitlement and self-involvement. Scientology seeks to nip this problem in the bud by putting the children of it’s poorest members right to work in one of it’s Sea Orgs or labor camps at Scientology headquarters. I bet those barista jobs look pretty cushy after you’ve earned $0.05/hr scrubbing public bathrooms with a toothbrush!

3. It’s got the word “Science” right in there! From television, to microwaves, to the everlasting immortality of our great leader L. Ron Hubbard, science has given us so much to be thankful for. And if there’s one thing I know about science it’s that it’s in the word “scientology.” Sort of.

4. SciFi is cooler than fantasy. Sorry for thinking the galactic overlord Xenu is cooler than the Devil and that body thetans would make a cooler story than sins! I’m just so over all that “water to wine” shit. The people want space violence from their religions.

5. Celebrities are cool and never wrong. John Travolta and Kirstie Alley have never made a single error in judgement, as is reflected in their respective careers. That’s how I know to trust them when they tell me that Scientology is the one true way. If Tom Cruise doesn’t make church exciting than what will?!

6. They have payment plans that work for you. Most churches just want you to donate some cash to their wicker basket. As it. Scientology will take your money any way they can get it, sometimes even more than you have! Don’t worry about being in debt to an organization that keeps all your most personal confessions on file though, if you need to work off that debt they’ll gladly employ you as a slave on one of their lawless compounds or in international waters.

7. It takes true dedication to the cause. Once you’re in, you’re in! If people hated Scientology, wouldn’t more of them leave? Well they don’t! They love this organization that would cut them off from their friends and families for having doubts about the choices it’s leadership makes. Everyone knows the mark of something that isn’t a cult is that lots of people join and can never leave.