7 Things I Wish I Could Say To My Exes

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I have slept with 24 people in the 11 years since I lost my virginity. Of these 24, 2 were during high school, 7 were during college, and 15 were in the 5 years since I’ve graduated. Of the 15 I’ve slept with after college, 9 were during the two years I was on and off unemployment, which might serve as a prime example of that whole ‘idle hands’ things. Of the 24 I’ve slept with, I cheated on one, one was married, and 4 I still seriously think could be gay. I am friends with 12 of them on Facebook. 8 I lost track of. Four are now married, and one has kids. One I can’t remember the name of, two I can only remember the first name. Of these 24, about 12 were either one-night stands or brief hook-ups.

Of these 24, there are 7 with which I consider having serious relationships that had a lasting effect on me. Whether those 7 have girlfriends, are engaged or married, deleted their Facebooks, unfriended me, or just plain hate me, I feel it’s better not to go all High Fidelity and contact them… but I still think of them sometimes. Here is what I wish I could say them to them:

Feel Better, or, Get Yourself Together.

The last time I saw you, you were working at the Wherehouse (yeah, that dates it) and had grown your hair long. You had acquired the following unfortunate tattoos: a large AFI pumpkin logo, an armband of script written in Elvish, and something I don’t quite remember that you told me stood for At the Drive In. You didn’t look like you were doing too well and I was sincerely concerned for you. I hope you stopped throwing glass bottles at girls and are better now.

I’m Sorry.

I’m sorry I took your virginity, broke up with you, and then continued to use you emotionally. I was young and selfish. You’re a good guy. In fact, you were too nice, and I’m sure you’ve grown bigger balls in the past 10 years and are now more deserving of my respect.

I’ve Moved On.

It took me a long time to get over you- years even. I hope you wonder what it would have been like to stay with me. But I hope moreso that you don’t regret your choices and are a good father and husband. Just know and appreciate that you were my first real love. PS-I’m glad I’m not the one you knocked up. PPS- Look what an awesome life I have now!

I Still Love You.

I’m sorry that I told you I didn’t love you, but it was that whole cliche but true ‘not IN-love with you’ story. You were my best friend and I was sorry to lose you. We both needed to move on, and now you seem super happy with your partner so I don’t want to cause drama by trying to stay friends with you. I just want you to know that I cherish the memories and I miss you.

Let’s Be Friends (Really).

Let’s start over. As sane people. As sober people. As friends. I miss your intense energy and think (hope) we’re both in better places now. Crazy times though, huh?

Thank You.

You totally weren’t my type but I’m glad I gave you a chance. I kinda felt like the nerdy girl dating the popular jock, and realized that I needed to work on my insecurity. I actually learned a lot from you, and reluctantly appreciate how much this relationship took me by surprise. Also, I am now a little more open-minded towards bros and surfers. Key words- a little.

Fuck You.

You were a total mind fuck and I pretty much regret everything. A really good friendship was ruined because of you. Even though you’re now married I still really think you’re in the closet. And, now I know that if there is any doubt in my mind about someone’s orientation, stay the fuck away.